How an Affirmative Poly/ENM Therapist Can Help You Navigate Open Relationships with Confidence
Why Seeing a Poly/ENM-Affirmative Therapist in NYC Can Transform Your Open Relationships
Navigating open relationships can be incredibly rewarding, but it also comes with its own unique set of challenges. Whether you're exploring polyamory, ethical non-monogamy (ENM), or simply seeking a therapist who understands your relationship style, finding the right support can make all the difference. An affirmative poly/ENM therapist in NYC can help you build confidence, address relationship struggles, and embrace the complexities of non-traditional love with ease. In this blog, we'll explore how working with a poly-friendly therapist can support you on your journey to healthier, more fulfilling connections.
What is Poly (Polyamory)?
You might have heard this term thrown around recently and wondered, what the hell does that mean? And how does it differ from an open relationship? — Let’s define it and break it down.
Pol·y·am·o·ry: the practice of engaging in multiple romantic relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.
In essence, polyamory is about being open to multiple love, romantic, or attachment-based connections. This is not to be confused with polygamy which often appears in pop-culture and is about one person having several spouses. The differences may seem confusing at first, but once you understand them, you see how distinct they really are.
Anyone can be polyamorous: single, dating, or married, and it is meant to be consensual for all parties involved.
Some folks may be what is called “hierarchically poly” which means they have a primary partner and potentially a secondary partner or two. The primary partner may be a spouse they have kids with or someone they’ve been with for a long time, with “primary” usually signifying more emotional weight given to this partner.
Other folks may be solo poly and operate without a hierarchy of partners. While others strive or attain what is called, “kitchen table poly,” which means that all partners may cohabitate as a family/unit together. And others may prefer that their secondary partners live separately or that their partner and their partner’s partner engage more separately from them.
The key value regarding poly is that it’s done with as much respectful communication and boundary-setting as possible for all parties involved, in order for it to serve everyone as intended.
What is ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy)?
So what’s the difference between polyamory and ethical non-monogamy? — If you feel confused, that’s not uncommon! These terms can feel like they overlap when you’re first being introduced to them. However, truly understanding them is critical to navigate an open relationship— learn definitions and do your own reading, but also always ask an individual what the term means for them, and you can ensure accurate understanding. So what does ethical non-monogamy mean?
ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy): the practice of engaging in sexual and romantic inclusivity.
So what’s the difference between Poly and ENM then? Think of ENM as an umbrella term. Poly folks are also ENM, but not all of those engaging in ENM relationships are poly.
Often seen in New York culture, folks identifying as being in an ENM relationship are more looking for sexual inclusivity than romantic inclusivity. To say that another way, it can often be couples who want to open up their relationship so that one or both parties are ethically allowed to sleep with other people. A single person can also identify as being ENM, hoping to create a sexually open, yet meaningfully committed relationship with someone.
The term ethical non-monogamy, the way it is used culturally in New York City, is most commonly monogamish couples wanting to have the opportunity for outside sexual encounters to take place ethically. They’re folks who want to remain romantically exclusive with one another, but engage in sex (often trying new things such as attending sex clubs and play parties), with others.
Rather than cheating, ENM is an ethical and honest alternative when someone is desiring to explore sex with others.
Understanding Compulsory Monogamy: How Society Shapes Our Expectations of Relationships
Compulsory monogamy refers to the societal expectation that romantic and sexual relationships should be exclusively monogamous, a norm that is ingrained in many cultures, particularly in Western societies like the U.S. This concept suggests that monogamy is the "default" relationship structure, and it is often seen as the only valid form of intimacy. The roots of compulsory monogamy can be traced to various religious, political, and economic motivations, which have shaped social policies and personal values over time. While these structures were historically designed to promote stability, they can also create rigid and harmful expectations, limiting individual choice and self-expression in relationships.
In more relatable terms, compulsory monogamy is the conditioned belief that we should only love and be sexually intimate with one person, often without ever questioning this assumption. From a young age, many of us are taught by society, parents, and the media that monogamy is natural and that anything else is chaotic or morally wrong. This belief is so pervasive that it often goes unexamined, with people entering monogamous relationships without actively choosing that structure. However, despite this cultural norm, cheating and relationship dissatisfaction remain common, suggesting that the rigid expectation of monogamy may not be the best fit for everyone.
For those in ethical non-monogamous (ENM) relationships or exploring alternatives, challenging compulsory monogamy can be an empowering step toward finding a relationship style that aligns with personal values and desires.
What Makes Someone Poly/ENM Affirmative?
When seeking support for your polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous relationship, it's essential to find a therapist who is not only knowledgeable, but also affirmative of your relationship choices. A poly/ENM-affirmative therapist understands the unique dynamics of open relationships and creates a safe, non-judgmental space for exploration and growth. In this section, we'll explore the key qualities that make a therapist truly poly/ENM-affirmative and how they can help you navigate your relationship journey with understanding and support.
To be Poly/ENM affirmative is:
To understand the validity of these relational dynamics.
To be educated on Poly/ENM values, concepts, frameworks and common issues a well as ways of working through them.
To have empathy and familiarity with the specific relational values, frameworks, and conflicts that may arise.
A part of being Poly/ENM affirmative is understanding that Poly/ENM relationships are just as valid as monogamous relationships in every way. It’s also about being educated and informed on what poly/ENM even is and dismantling internalized judgements about alternative relationship structures.
Why Choosing a Poly/ENM Affirmative Therapist is Essential for Navigating Non-Monogamous Relationships
If You’re Already Poly
If you are currently in a Poly or ENM relationship, finding a therapist who specializes in this is likely to serve you better than one without Poly/ENM training and experience professionally and personally. Why? Therapists are supposed to serve all populations. We are trained to be as nonjudgemental as possible. However, as people ourselves, we carry natural and unconscious biases. It’s likely that a therapist without any professional and personal understanding of polyamory or ethical non-monogamy will bring in unconscious judgements and biases to the therapeutic space, even despite their best efforts not to.
A therapist trained in Poly/ENM frameworks, concepts, values, and relational issues is simply going to provide more pointed and attuned treatment. Folks who navigate issues in poly/ENM relationships deal with specific relational issues that folks who have only ever known monogamy may not know how to have understanding for, let alone know how to work with.
For example, many Poly/ENM couples consistently navigate scheduling (and sometimes attachment-based jealousy) issues as they are dividing their time among more than one romantic/sexual partner. Therapists without Poly/ENM experience may not be equipped to effectively empathize and guide clients to healthy and secure outcomes in these areas due to inexperience. When a Poly/ENM affirmative person finds a Poly/ENM affirmative therapist, they can be sure that the specific issues they’re dealing with relationally, will not only be empathetically understood, but also better attuned to from a treatment perspective.
If You’re Considering Poly/ENM
If you’ve ever found yourself feeling frustrated by the rigid parameters of a monogamous relationship, or the compulsory monogamous culture at large, you may want to consider exploring Poly/ENM for yourself. A great way to embark on that journey can be navigating it with the help and professional experience of a Poly/ENM trained therapist. A Poly/ENM therapist may be able to guide you, answer questions, and provide relational solutions, where a therapist without Poly/ENM training may not. In so, you’ll be getting tailored treatment as you navigate and explore if these dynamics could be right for you.
Curious to learn more about how I can help at Attuned Therapy? Schedule a no-strings attached Free 15 minute phone consultation, where we can discuss and explore your curiosities, questions, and concerns about navigating poly/ENM. You don’t have to figure this out alone in secrecy or isolation— Let an affirming, trusted, professional hold your hand through your exploration of poly/ENM today!
Resources
Some of my favorite books on the topic include: More than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy, The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn