How a Poly/ENM Therapist Can Help
What is Poly (Polyamory)?
Pol·y·am·o·ry: the practice of engaging in multiple romantic relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.
This is not to be confused with polygamy which often appears in pop-culture and is about one person having several spouses. The differences are nuanced. Polyamorous is something anyone can be: single, dating, or married. It is consensual for all parties involved. Some folks may be what is called “hierarchically poly” which means they have a primary partner and potentially a secondary partner or two. The primary partner may be a spouse they have kids with or someone they’ve been with for a long time, with “primary” usually signifying more emotional weight given to this partner. Other folks may be solo poly and operate without a hierarchy of partners. While others strive or attain what is called, “kitchen table poly,” which means that all partners may cohabitate as a family/unit together. And others may prefer that their secondary partners live separately or that their partner and their partner’s partner engage more separately from them. The key value regarding poly is that it’s done with as much respectful communication and boundary-setting as possible for all parties involved in order for it to serve folks effectively.
What is ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy)?
ENM (Ethical Non-Monogamy): the practice of engaging in sexual and romantic inclusivity.
So what’s the difference between Poly and ENM then? Think of ENM as an umbrella term. Poly folks are also ENM, but not all of those engaging in ENM relationships are poly. Often seen in New York culture, folks identifying as being in an ENM relationship are more looking for sexual inclusivity than romantic inclusivity. To say that another way, it can often be couples who want to “open up” their relationship so that one or both parties are ethically allowed to sleep with other people. But it can also be a single person identifying as ENM hoping to create a sexually open, yet meaningfully committed relationship with someone.
What Makes Someone Poly/ENM Affirmative?
To be Poly/ENM affirmative is:
To understand the validity of these relational dynamics.
To be educated on Poly/ENM values, concepts, frameworks and common issues a well as ways of working through them.
To have empathy and familiarity with the specific relational values, frameworks, and conflicts that may arise.
A part of being Poly/ENM affirmative is understanding that Poly/ENM relationships are just as valid as monogamous relationships in every way. Compulsory monogamy is when as a people, we have been conditioned since birth to understand monogamous relationships as the default, as well as all of the spoken and unspoken rules of monogamy. This can take so many shapes and forms. For example, you may have been conditioned to think that when you are in a relationship, if your partner has any attraction to the sex of their liking, that that is bad and a threat to the relationship. Compulsory monogamy culture conditions us to see monogamous values as the default. For many of us, attraction to others while in a committed and meaningful relationship is seen and experienced as natural and normal. It is not cognitively/rationally experienced as a threat to the relationship. However, relationally it may be, but unlike in monogamy, it is okay to work openly through any insecurities or jealousy that comes up.
You’re Poly/ENM and Seeking a Therapist
If you are currently in a Poly or ENM relationship, finding a therapist who specializes in this is likely to serve you better than one without Poly/ENM training and experience professionally and personally. Why? Therapists are supposed to serve all populations. We are trained to be as nonjudgemental as possible. However, as people ourselves, we carry natural and unconscious biases. It is possible that a therapist without any professional and personal understanding of polyamory or ethical non-monogamy will bring in unconscious judgements and biases to the therapeutic space, even despite their best efforts not to. A therapist trained in Poly/ENM frameworks, concepts, values, and relational issues is simply going to provide more pointed and attuned treatment. Folks who navigate issues in poly/ENM relationships deal with specific relational issues that folks who have only ever known monogamy may not know how to have understanding for, let alone know how to work with.
For example, many Poly/ENM couples consistently navigate scheduling (and sometimes therefore attachment-based jealousy) issues as they are dividing their time among more than one romantic/sexual partner. Therapists without Poly/ENM experience may not be equipped to effectively empathize and guide clients to healthy and secure outcomes in these areas due to inexperience. When a Poly/ENM affirmative person finds a Poly/ENM affirmative therapist, they can be sure that the specific issues they’re dealing with relationally, will not only be empathetically understood, but also better attuned to from a treatment perspective.
You’re Considering Poly/ENM
If you’ve ever found yourself feeling frustrated by the rigid parameters of a monogamous relationship, or the compulsory monogamous culture at large, you may want to consider exploring Poly/ENM for yourself. A great way to embark on that journey can be navigating it with the help and professional experience of a Poly/ENM trained therapist. A Poly/ENM therapist may be able to guide you, answer questions, and provide relational solutions, where a therapist without Poly/ENM training may not. In so, you’ll be getting tailored treatment as you navigate and explore if these dynamics could be right for you.
Resources
Some of my favorite books on the topic include: More than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory, Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy, The Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn