A Complete Guide to Polyamory: What It Is, Types, and How Therapy Can Help
Polyamory is gaining traction in the cultural zeitgeist as more people seek to experiment with relationship structures outside of traditional monogamy, with the goal being greater fulfillment and more love.
If you’re curious about polyamory for yourself or your relationship, wondering how it works, or considering it as a lifestyle, this guide is for you. Here, we’ll dive into the definition of polyamory, the different types of polyamory, how polyamory compares to monogamy, and the concept of the polycule. Plus, we’ll discuss how therapy can support individuals navigating polyamorous relationships.
By the end of it, you’ll have a clearer understanding of polyamory, its various forms, and how therapy can help you find your way to a relationship structure that’s right for you.
“For many, polyamory allows individuals to experience deeper connections with multiple people, each relationship unique in its own right.”
What is Polyamory?
Polyamory, at simple terms, is the act of engaging in consensual romantic relationships with multiple partners. In contrast to monogamous relationships, where one person gives love and intimacy to just one other person, polyamory embraces the idea that love is not limited to a single partner. We have been conditioned to believe that we’re only capable of romantically loving just one person at a time, but widely popular television shows like, The Bachelor prove time and time again, that we can absolutely be in love with more than one person at the same time.
For many people, polyamory allows individuals to experience deeper connections with multiple people, each relationship offering it’s own unique sense of fulfillment. The key to polyamory is ethical, open communication, trust, and consent among all parties involved.
Polyamory isn’t just about having multiple partners—it’s about fostering an environment where each person’s emotional and physical needs can be met in a safe, respectful space. This may sound tricky at best and near impossible at worst, to someone who has only ever done monogamy and has found one person to be plenty, in terms of relational upkeep. So, how do poly folks navigate so many meaningful connections? How do they balance remaining ethical, upfront, and honest about everything while keeping hurt feelings in check? Before we get to those, let’s take a look at the different types of polyamory that one can partake in.
Types of Polyamory
Polyamory Relationship Types
Hierarchical Polyamory: In hierarchical polyamory, individuals have a primary partner (or partners) who take precedence over other romantic relationships. Secondary or tertiary partners might have less influence or fewer commitments than the primary one(s). This model can work well for people who value a clear structure in their relationships and want to define the level of involvement each partner has in their life.
For some folks, this type of poly structure makes the most sense coming straight from monogamy. When a couple goes from traditional monogamy to experimenting with poly, often they’ll do hierarchical poly, with their spouse being their primary partner, and new partners taking on a secondary role. Though this structure can of course change as the people involved, evolve to fit their own needs.
Solo Polyamory: Solo polyamory is when an individual doesn’t form a hierarchical relationship with any partner and instead values their independence. People practicing solo polyamory often focus on their own autonomy, choosing partners without any expectation of cohabitation or long-term commitment. This model allows for a wide variety of connections while maintaining personal freedom and self-sufficiency.
This form of poly can feel really freeing for some individuals; it validates that romantic and intimate connections are a meaningful part of life and don’t inherently require culturally accepted definitions of commitment to them.
Kitchen Table Polyamory: In kitchen table polyamory, the focus is on creating a community atmosphere where all partners, whether primary or secondary, feel comfortable interacting with each other. The idea is that all partners, whether or not they are involved romantically with each other, can sit down together at the "kitchen table" and build friendships and emotional support.
In contrast to kitchen table poly, would be a couple who is newly exploring an open relationship, but is utilizing a “don’t ask, don’t tell” model to protect emotional fragility around the openness. Kitchen table poly is about open lines of communication, and friendship among the various partners. They may attend parties together, go out to eat together, or even live together, sharing household responsibilities.
Polyamory Relationship Types: There are other types of polyamorous relationships, such as monogamish (in which one couple is generally monogamous but allows for some outside connections) and polyfidelity (where all partners are committed to each other exclusively within the group). These models reflect the diversity within polyamorous relationships and the different ways people approach intimacy and commitment. The key takeaway is that designing and maintaining these structures ethically requires intentionality and open communication from all parties involved.
Designer Relationship: A designer relationship is one in which the people involved, consciously co-create the parameters of their attachment and intimacy. The expectations of roles, communication, and even trajectories are discussed thoughtfully and fluidly over time, instead of following the monogamous default or polyamorous structures listed above. Designer relationships may include polyamory, but they don’t have to. The simply offer a “design for yourself” method that works best for you and any partners.
Polycule Meaning
In a polycule, each person may have multiple partners, and the relationships between them can be interconnected like a web.
What is a Polycule?
If you're new to polyamory, you may have come across the term polycule. A polycule is a term used to describe the network of people connected through polyamorous relationships. In a polycule, each person may have multiple partners, and the relationships between them can be interconnected like a web. The term visualizes the complexity of polyamory, where individuals form relationships that intersect and overlap in different ways. Being in a polycule relationship simply means that you are connected and are a part of a larger group that consists of people romantically connected in different ways. Some folks prefer to use this term, indicating the cohesive, positive, connection amongst the group.
Polyamory vs. Monogamy
One of the most common comparisons made in polyamorous circles are the differences between polyamory vs. monogamy. In monogamous relationships, partners commit exclusively to each other emotionally* and physically, whereas polyamory opens up the possibility of multiple romantic relationships at the same time.
Some folks like to note that there is more inherent fluidity in our existing relationships than compulsory-monogamous culture would have us believe. We can be romantic with our friends, and friendly with our romantic partners. Comp-monogamy often conditions people into the mind-trap that if we share romance and intimacy with more than one person, how can we truly love them? What makes that relationship special? However, many of us already engage in loving behaviors with people outside of our monogamous relationship. We care for our sick parents, we cuddle on the couch with our girlfriends, we provide emotional consoling to siblings and so much more. So then what really makes monogamy, monogamy?
Culturally, it is often the invisible electrical fence that prevents sexual intimacy from occurring outside of the relationship. The reality is that, we already do act loving towards others in varying, beautiful degrees, but we dont culturally categorize those acts as carrying the same significance, and we simply aren’t sleeping with them. In so, monogamy is culturally defined by sexual exclusivity, where as polyamory leans into the existing capabilities of how humans can love and connect, by navigating the fragility of jealousy with open and honest communication.
For many, the decision to practice polyamory arises from a desire for more freedom, variety, fulfillment, and personal growth, while others may simply feel that monogamy doesn’t align with their emotional needs or lifestyle. Both polyamory and monogamy have the potential to be fulfilling, but it’s important to choose what works best for your unique needs and values.
Many people fear that opening a relationship or engaging in polyamory increases the risk and likelihood of unethical behavior, and thus emotional pain and suffering.
Debunking Stigma: Why Polyamory Is Often Misunderstood and Monogamy Is Not the Default
It’s popular for people on the internet to slander poly, particularly on Reddit. If someone’s only experience with polyamory involves any challenges, they often blame the relationship structure itself, using it as an excuse to uphold the norm of monogamy. On the flip-side, when monogamous folks share problems on the internet, most people don’t chime in and say, “It’s monogamy! Monogamy is the issue! He cheated, so just be poly!” No, instead they say, “Break up!” which is it’s own amusing internet arm-chair-phenomenon.
The point is, compulsory monogamy makes us believe monogamy is the default. The reality is, many people act in horribly unethical ways within monogamous relationships, further pointing to a need for us to look at them and how they work for us, collectively and individually. Cheating is as prevalent as ever, and yet people have accepted cheating as a part of life, whereas polyamory is stigmatized as unnatural. Perhaps, polyamory is a viable solution for folks who want meaningful connection without exclusivity, as long as they learn to engage ethically.
No matter the relationship structure, before we make generalizations, remember that any dynamic is made up of people. Our cultural default, monogamy, has it’s own bad track record with divorce rates hovering around 40-50%. We must remember that any relationship is made up of people. People can act unethically and selfishly in any relationship structure, and they do.
Why Poly Can Feel Scary or Threatening
Many people fear that opening a relationship or engaging in polyamory increases the risk and likelihood of unethical behavior, and thus emotional pain and suffering. This fear arises because polyamory removes the default invisible boundaries of sexual and attachment exclusivity, placing individuals in the “relationship design and control room.”
The worry becomes: if I leave it up to my partner to simply maintain trust, honesty, and communicate the details of what they want, what they’re doing, and with whom they’re engaging with, I’m asking to be hurt. But notice the lack of trust in this paradigm. If we must require a policy of sexual and primary-attachment exclusivity in order to feel safe (oftentimes not even openly discussed, its simply assumed, due to comp-monogamous culture), are we not deluding ourselves into the efficacy of that boundary, when cheating is so prevalent?
Reframing Jealousy: Why We Can Learn to Navigate It in Relationships
In Monogamy, jealousy is simply seen as bad. The unspoken rule goes: we mustn’t' feel jealous, if we do, something is wrong, and we need to stop whatever is causing it. The reality is that folks in monogamous relationships already do encounter jealousy. You can be jealous of the time and energy your wife gives your kids. You can be jealous of the way your boyfriend hangs out with his guy friends on weekends. If we can learn to process and accept that we don’t own our partners in other relationships, we are also capable of doing that in a romantic and sexual sense.
The truth is that jealousy is a feeling like any other emotion. We understand we will get angry with our partners, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, and so much more. Yet jealousy remains an alarm system for the invisible electric fence, oftentimes making us the prisoner. What if I told you that you are capable of experiencing jealousy with your partner, and coping through it? What if you simply noticed that you felt a strange way that they had a date with someone else, and you missed them? What if you asked for their support as you processed the jealous? And what if, after a while, the jealousy simply passed?
The thing is, comp-monogamy has us in such a chokehold that we associate any jealousy as a warning that something in the relationship is awry. I fully believe anyone can learn to metabolize the emotion of jealousy in relation to their partner. However, like any other perceived negative emotion, it takes practice, mindfulness, and a willingness to experience discomfort.
Most people refrain from regulating their emotions in general. It’s no wonder, as a society why open relationship structures are not encouraged for the collective. Though they can be a liberating and fulfilling option for those who seek to challenge themselves in the realm of emotional and relational intimacy.
Polyamory vs Open Relationship
As discussed, polyamory is about engaging in multiple attachment-based relationships. An Open Relationship, on the other hand, may simply refer to sexual inclusivity. Recently, many couples are exploring open relationships. This tends to look like a couple (who are one another’s primary partners) simply opening their relationship up to include sexually engaging with others. The couple decides what is allowed and what isn’t, but it typically does not include developing romantic attachment to others.
However, in a technical sense, an open relationship is really just an umbrella term that can include polyamory. Not all open relationships are polyamorous (multiple loves), but in a sense, polyamory in its nature is about an “openness” to a variety of connections and loves.
This can seem confusing, and sometimes it actually is. The important piece is to not get caught up in deciding on your own what is or isnt which term, and simply ask whomever you’re referencing how they define their relationship. Or if you and your partner(s) are deciding on a label, explore which one encompasses the essence of the structure best.
Books About Polyamory
If you're interested in diving deeper into polyamory, several books offer insightful perspectives and practical advice for those considering poly or those already navigating this lifestyle. Some of the most popular titles include:
The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert
Polyamory: A Memoir by Trina Moorman
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern
These books are an excellent starting point for anyone interested in exploring polyamory in more depth. They offer guidance on communication, boundaries, jealousy, and relationship dynamics, all of which are key elements of successful polyamorous relationships.
If you’re simply curious and looking for a book about polyamory, I’d suggest “More Than Two” to start. The text is accessible and information well organized so that anyone can learn and understand all about how polyamory works.
How Therapy Can Help Polyamorous Individuals
Navigating polyamory comes with its own unique set of challenges, from managing emotional intimacy to setting boundaries. Therapy can be incredibly helpful for those exploring or already practicing polyamory, providing a space to discuss personal struggles and develop healthier communication patterns.
As a polyamory-affirming therapist, I work with individuals and couples to create safe spaces for navigating complex relationship dynamics. Therapy can also help with jealousy, communication breakdowns, and balancing multiple commitments. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the complexities of polyamory, therapy can offer guidance and support to help you thrive.
If you're ready to explore your polyamorous journey with guidance and support, schedule a consultation today. Therapy can provide the tools and insights you need to foster healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Conclusion
Polyamory is an evolving and complex relationship style that can provide deep connection and personal growth. Whether you’re just beginning to explore polyamory or have been practicing it for years, it’s important to approach it with open communication, mutual respect, and clear boundaries. Books and resources like this guide are just the beginning. If you’re ready to delve deeper, therapy can help you navigate the complexities of polyamory and create healthy, loving relationships