What Does ENM Mean? A Real-World Guide to Ethical Non-Monogamy in NYC
Wait… What Is ENM, Anyway?
Maybe you saw it in a dating profile. Maybe your friend casually dropped it into a conversation over overpriced brunch in Williamsburg. Or maybe your therapist mentioned it when you were questioning traditional relationship structures. However it landed on your radar, one thing is clear:
“E N M” (or ethical non-monogamy) is showing up more and more—and you’re curious.
You might be wondering: Is this just a fancy term for cheating? Is this a poly thing? Would I even be into something like this?
These are totally valid questions, and with ENM on the rise in the vernacular of New Yorker’s, many folks are wondering the same things.
Let’s break it down—judgment-free, clear, and real. Whether you’re exploring new relationship styles or just trying to make sense of the dating landscape in NYC, here’s your down-to-earth guide to what ENM really means—and whether it might have a place in your life.
E N M Meaning: A Simple Breakdown
At its core, E N M stands for Ethical Non-Monogamy. Let’s unpack that:
Ethical: Everyone involved is on the same page. There's honesty, informed consent, communication, and ideally, mutual respect.
Non-Monogamy: The relationship structure is not exclusive to one person. That might include multiple romantic, sexual, or emotional connections—depending on what works for the people involved.
So no, it’s not cheating. In fact, ENM prioritizes communication and transparency in ways that many monogamous relationships don’t always get right. ENM is about removing the exclusivity (often sexual) from a relationship, and openly communicating about this with your partner(s) where everyone is on board and know’s the deal.
It’s not one-size-fits-all. ENM is more like a spectrum—with different types, dynamics, and definitions that evolve over time. Some people date multiple partners. Others are in a committed couple but have outside experiences. Some practice polyamory. Others just hate labels and do what feels right. Think of it as an umbrella term for a variety of open relationship dynamics. However, in NYC it is often used to describe “monogamish” couples who are exploring removing the sexual exclusivity from their relationship, but who remain emotionally monogamous.
What ENM Is Not
Let’s bust a few of the biggest myths about ethical non-monogamy (ENM)—especially the ones that can make people feel shame or confusion when they’re just starting to explore.
It’s Not Just About Sex
One of the most common misconceptions is that ENM is all about hooking up, or that it's just a green light for sexual freedom. While sex can be a part of it, many people in ENM relationships are more interested in emotional connection, intimacy, and community. For some, sex might not even be on the table at all (as in asexual or emotionally intimate ENM relationships). Reducing ENM to sex misses the depth, nuance, and care that many people pour into these connections.
It’s Not a Way to Avoid Commitment
ENM doesn’t mean “no commitment”—it just means commitment can look different. People in non-monogamous relationships often commit deeply to their partners in ways that go beyond conventional norms. That could look like shared goals, chosen family, caregiving, or long-term plans—without necessarily centering exclusivity. In fact, ENM can require more commitment in the form of regular communication, check-ins, and emotional labor.
It’s Not Inherently Dysfunctional or a Symptom of Relationship Trouble
There’s a lingering stereotype that couples only open their relationship when it’s failing—or that ENM is just a sign of a deeper issue. But many people enter into ENM from a place of strength and intention, not crisis. It’s a choice rooted in values: honesty, freedom, curiosity, and trust. Like any relationship style, ENM can be done poorly—but dysfunction isn’t baked into the model itself.
It’s Not Something You Have to “Master” Right Away
You don’t need to have it all figured out from day one. ENM is a process—a living, evolving experience. You might try one structure, realize it doesn’t work, and pivot. That’s normal. Whether you're new to ENM or still figuring out your boundaries, it’s okay to move slowly, ask questions, and make mistakes along the way. You don’t need a PhD in polyamory to be valid in your exploration.
You Don’t Have to Be a Certain “Type” of Person
ENM isn’t just for the ultra-spiritual, the free-spirited creatives, or the ethically rebellious. You don’t have to be queer (though many folks are), kinky, or neurodivergent to be curious about ENM—but if you are, you might find that ENM provides room for your identity to breathe. The truth is, there’s no one “look” or lifestyle that defines non-monogamy. It’s for professionals, parents, introverts, nerds, busy New Yorkers, and yes, even people who thought they were 100% monogamous until recently.
Different Types of ENM (Yes, There Are Many)
ENM isn't one relationship style—it’s an umbrella. Here are just a few types:
Polyamory – Maintaining more than one loving, emotionally intimate relationship at a time.
Open Relationships – A committed couple who permits sexual or romantic experiences outside the relationship.
Solo Polyamory – You may have multiple relationships but don’t seek a primary or live-in partner.
Relationship Anarchy – Rejects hierarchies and categorization of relationships (romantic vs. platonic, etc.).
Swinging – Engaging in sexual activities with others, often as a couple, in a recreational or community context.
Monogamish – Primarily monogamous but with agreed-upon flexibility around certain experiences.
You might not identify with any of these specifically—and that’s okay. ENM is about creating your relationship model, not copying someone else’s. You can even create your own “Designer Relationship” that works for you and your patrner(s) by exploring and discussing what parameters work for you.
Why People Choose ENM
Ethical non-monogamy isn’t about rebellion for the sake of it—it’s not just about breaking “the rules.” For many, choosing ENM is a deeply intentional move toward a relationship structure that feels more aligned with their values, needs, and personal truths.
Here are some of the most common reasons people are drawn to ENM:
Emotional Authenticity
ENM allows people to honor the full range of their desires and connections without having to hide or suppress them. Instead of pretending that attraction to others doesn’t exist or labeling it as a threat, ENM encourages transparency. That honesty often leads to more meaningful, grounded relationships—not less. It’s about showing up as your full self, including the messy, human parts that monogamy sometimes asks us to ignore.
Values Alignment
Many people who practice ENM simply don't believe that love, intimacy, or connection are finite resources. They may find that the idea of having one “everything” partner feels more like a cultural script than a personal truth. Instead, they’re drawn to relationships built on abundance, flexibility, and mutual choice, rather than obligation or default roles. ENM offers the space to define relationships based on shared values—not just inherited norms.
Freedom from the “Relationship Escalator”
There’s a common, often unspoken progression in traditional relationships: dating → exclusivity → moving in → marriage → kids. That model works for some, but for others, it can feel rigid or misaligned. ENM invites people to opt out of that one-size-fits-all path and create relationships that reflect their actual desires. Maybe that’s a long-term partnership without cohabitation. Maybe it’s multiple deep connections that don’t follow the same timeline. ENM helps people question, “What do I really want from connection, outside of what I’ve been taught?”
Personal Growth
ENM can surface a lot of feelings—jealousy, insecurity, fear—and that’s not a flaw. For many, that emotional intensity becomes a catalyst for self-inquiry and growth. Navigating ENM often requires skills like emotional regulation, assertive communication, vulnerability, and boundary-setting. While that might sound intimidating, it’s also incredibly rewarding. Many people describe becoming more grounded, self-aware, and emotionally mature through their non-monogamous experiences—even if they eventually return to monogamy with new insights.
Community Connection
In NYC and beyond, ENM is often deeply interwoven with affirming spaces—particularly for LGBTQ+ folks, neurodivergent individuals, kink and sex positive folks, sex workers, and those who already live outside traditional social norms. For many, ENM isn’t just a relationship structure—it’s part of a larger community culture rooted in consent, communication, identity exploration, and chosen family. If you’ve ever felt like the “rules” of society weren’t written with you in mind, you might find the ENM world to be a space where your identity is not just accepted, but celebrated.
What ENM Looks Like in Real Life (Especially in NYC)
Let’s be honest—dating in New York is already its own beast. Add ENM to the mix and things get… layered.
But that’s not a bad thing. In fact, NYC offers a vibrant, diverse, open-minded community where exploring ENM can feel expansive and possible.
Here’s what ENM might look like for people here:
A queer artist in Bushwick who’s part of a polycule (a network of connected partners).
A married couple in Harlem who go on solo dates outside their relationship.
A neurodivergent professional in the Upper West Side who finds monogamy overwhelming and prefers solo poly dating with strong boundaries.
A couple in Chelsea in a long-term relationship who decide to open things up after attending therapy together.
There’s no ENM “aesthetic.” It’s not reserved for Burning Man people or folks with nose rings (although hey, some of them are great too). ENM is simply a relationship style—one that can be messy, joyful, meaningful, and real.
Is ENM Right for You?
Not sure if this is your thing? You don’t have to be. The point isn’t to decide today—it’s to get curious. It’s important to educate yourself first on how to navigate ethical non-monogamy as it’s not something we’re taught culturally. Give yourself space and time to familiarize yourself with the concept and only proceed if you’re ready to truly embark in an ethical manner.
Here are some signs ENM might be worth exploring:
You’ve felt constrained by traditional monogamy or anxious about exclusivity
You’ve loved more than one person at once (and felt shame about it)
You crave more autonomy in your relationships
You want to deconstruct jealousy and lean into trust
You’re interested in redefining what “commitment” looks like
And on the flip side, some signs ENM might be tough right now:
You’re considering it to “fix” a broken relationship without addressing core issues
One partner is pressuring the other into it
You feel more anxious than curious when thinking about your partner with someone else (and don’t want to explore that discomfort)
You have trouble asserting boundaries or needs
ENM isn’t a magic solution—or a better way to do relationships. It’s just one possible way. If the idea feels more like relief than resistance, that’s worth listening to.
How to Start Exploring ENM (Without Getting Overwhelmed)
If you’re feeling curious but also a little unsure about where to begin, you’re not alone. Exploring ethical non-monogamy can feel like stepping into unfamiliar territory—especially if you’ve grown up in a culture that treats monogamy as the only “real” option.
The good news? You don’t need to have all the answers to start. Think of it less like a leap and more like a gentle unfolding. Here are a few ways to begin exploring ENM at your own pace:
Read Up
Books are a great way to dip your toes in, especially if you like to process things internally before talking them out.
Polysecure by Jessica Fern – A thoughtful look at how attachment theory applies to polyamorous and non-monogamous relationships. A great choice if you’re wondering how security and openness can co-exist.
The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton – A classic introduction to ENM, written with humor, compassion, and lots of real-life wisdom.
More Than Two by Franklin Veaux & Eve Rickert – A comprehensive guide to polyamory. Offers depth, but also has some community critiques worth noting—read with nuance.
Listen In
Prefer to learn on the go or hear real stories from real people? These podcasts are full of practical advice, honest conversations, and diverse perspectives.
Multiamory – A podcast that dives into the nuts and bolts of modern relationships, including communication tools, conflict resolution, and polyamory practices.
Normalizing Non-Monogamy – Interviews with people across the ENM spectrum—raw, diverse, and relatable.
The Monogamish Podcast – A great listen for folks somewhere between monogamy and ENM, or just starting to question the status quo.
Find Community in NYC
NYC has a rich network of ENM-friendly spaces where you can connect with others, learn more, and feel less alone in your curiosity.
Brooklyn Poly Exchange or Poly Cocktails – Low-key, welcoming social events for those practicing or exploring ENM.
The Assemblage, Hacienda House, or similar venues – Often host workshops and panels on consent, relationships, and sexuality.
Meetup groups for queer, kink, or neurodivergent ENM folks – These intersections can offer unique support and understanding, especially if you identify with multiple marginalized communities.
Start Small
You don’t have to label yourself or make big changes to begin reflecting on what kind of relationships actually feel right for you.
Journal about what freedom, trust, and connection mean to you—on your own terms.
Get curious about what you want from relationships versus what you’ve been told you should want.
If you're currently partnered, open a low-stakes conversation: something as simple as “Have you ever heard of ENM?” can be the beginning of a bigger dialogue.
Talk to a Therapist specialized in ENM relationships to help you figure out what relationship dynamic is right for you and how to navigate it.
How Therapy Can Help You Explore ENM—Without Judgment
Let’s be real: This stuff brings up feelings. Jealousy, fear, excitement, grief, hope—it’s all normal.
That’s why working with a therapist who is affirming of ENM, LGBTQ+, neurodivergent experiences, and sex-positive communities can make a huge difference.
A supportive therapist can help you:
Understand your relationship style without shame
Work through attachment wounds or patterns
Build better communication and emotional regulation skills
Explore boundaries and needs, both internally and with partners
Unpack jealousy in a constructive, curious way
Grieve old narratives while creating new ones
The key is finding someone who gets it—who won’t pathologize your choices or push you toward a “norm” that doesn’t fit you.
Final Thoughts: You Don’t Need All the Answers Right Now
Here’s the truth: You don’t have to declare yourself poly, non-monogamous, or “open” to be interested in this topic.
You’re allowed to explore. To be unsure. To shift and evolve. To not know what ENM will mean for you, and to still be valid in your curiosity.
In a city like NYC, where connection and chaos live side-by-side, there’s space to build relationships that actually work for your life. That reflect your values. That honor your whole self.
If you’re questioning monogamy, you’re not broken. You’re not selfish.
You’re just paying attention—and that’s brave.
Looking for ENM-Affirming Therapy in NYC?
If you’re exploring ethical non-monogamy and want a safe, nonjudgmental space to sort through it all, I’m here to help.
Whether you're solo, partnered, or somewhere in between, therapy can be a space where you come home to yourself—on your terms.
Reach out today to schedule a consultation. Let’s talk about what freedom, love, and connection mean to you.