How Do I Regulate My Emotions?
Have you ever wondered what the point of regulating your emotions is? Maybe you’re experiencing a lot of anxiety recently? Or perhaps more anger. When our emotions feel like a lot, or when we notice ourselves suddenly in the throes of a panic attack or anger outburst, we may start to wonder: there’s gotta be a better way, right? Well, the good news is: there is! In this blog, learn about how you can begin feeling your feelings so that you’re ultimately processing them in a more healthy way leading to a more balanced life!
Perhaps one of the most important skills a person can develop is regulating emotions. Why? Emotions drive our every choice and action. Emotions are the backbone of our experience. When we fail to process our emotions healthfully, we may either turn towards suppressing them only for them to sneak up on us later, or we may eventually snap and lash out only to feel regret later.
Have you ever found yourself feeling a big emotion, but felt unsure of what to do with it?
Do you currently engage in a coping mechanism that you know isn’t really the best for you in the long run, but you don’t know how else to cope?
Do you find yourself avoiding your feelings only to reach a breaking point and then it all comes out in a messy way?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, read on to find out how learning to regulate your emotions can be a game changer…
What Does it Mean to “Regulate Emotions"?”
Regulating emotions means processing them in a healthy way wherein you can mindfully manage them and decide how to respond to them with greater awareness. This is juxtaposed against the inability to do so, which often looks like emotional spillage (panic attacks, anger outbursts, or crying spells out of nowhere). So how do we do this?
Develop Awareness
You must first have awareness of what it is that you’re even feeling! So many of us navigate our days disconnected from how we’re really feeling. In order to manage our emotions we must first be aware of what they are, when they happen, how intense they feel, and any context clues as to why that feeling is coming up. Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to your emotional state regularly.
Identify the Feeling
Once you remember to check in with yourself, next identify what emotion you’re experiencing. This may seem easier than it is and your mind may immediately decide on “anger” or “sadness” or “guilt,” but don’t just accept the first emotion that jumps out at you. Try to stay with your curiosity and continue to ask, is there anything else? Oftentimes there is more than one emotion present. Or sometimes, a secondary emotion sits on top of a primary emotion. For example, you may feel shame that you are anxious. Or you may feel anxious that you are depressed. Having a greater understanding of what feelings you’re even feeling provides more clarity about what is going on.
Give the Emotion a Rating
My clients know I LOVE using scales! But the reason I do is because a 1-10 scale provides such an excellent barometer to turn abstract feelings into concrete information. If you check in with yourself and you successfully identify you’re feeling sad, that is good, but it doesn’t offer a lot of other information. Rating a feeling on an intensity scale of 1-10, (1 meaning it is barely felt, 10 meaning it is at it’s highest possible intensity) provides greater clarity for you! And when you know better you can attune better.
PICTURE THIS: You are about to give a presentation at work and you correctly identify you are feeling anxious. But you take it one step further and check in with where you anxiety falls on the 1-10 scale. You identify you’re feeling anxious at a level 6. This “6” let’s you know the degree of which you require attunement for the emotion. It says: This is notable anxiety. We may need to step aside for a quiet moment and take some deep breaths. Or a 6 might inform you that you’d actually like to ask your colleague to do the presentation with you. A 3 level of anxiety, however, may simply inform you that you’re anxious, but no intervention is needed. An 8 on the other hand is saying: Red Alert! We need an intervention and fast! If not, this may turn into a panic attack. As you can see, using a scale to rate the intensity of an emotion can then inform you more accurately about the emotion’s needs, if any.
Notice What the Feeling Feels Like
Oof. This is a tricky one for so many of my clients. What does that mean to “feel a feeling?” It means, turn TOWARDS the feeling instead of AWAY from it. For most of us, when we experience a percieved negative emotion, our first instinct is to try to get rid of it, suppress it, distract, avoid, or anything else we can do to escape the “misery.” To turn towards an emotion means to look inward at where it is coming from. How do you know your anxious? Or hurt? Or angry? Is it simply your mind telling you you are? Are there any physical sensations accompanying that thought? If so, what are they? Is the emotion living somewhere inside of your body? Is it manifested in tingling hands, a racing heart, tightness in the chest, or a headache? Bring curiosity to what the feeling feels like in your body. Pretend you are a scientist merely observing this unique manifestation of this emotion.
Be with the Emotion
Stay with the feeling. This is really important. Once again, for many of us, our instinct is to turn away from the emotion. However, this is precisely the mechanism that perpetuates avoidant behaviors of our feelings. I promise, no emotion is as big or scary as our mind’s imagination about what it will actually feel like. And that is just it! When we ACTUALLY engage with our current experience of the emotion, when we turn toward it with curiosity, when we simply observe the sensations in our physical body, we learn that we actually can tolerate and cope with the experience of that emotion, WHICH IS REALLY IMPORTANT!
Accept the Emotion
This is another toughie for many of us. Let me be clear: acceptance does not mean you have to LIKE the emotion. You can dislike it! No one is saying you have to enjoy the experience or sensations of this feeling. BUT, you do have to stay open to what the experience actually is, instead of letting your mind dictate falsely what it is. To say that differently, accepting the emotion is about being present in the actual moment, instead of the narrative in your head about the experience. To accept the emotion is to say: I understand I am feeling this right now, and that is okay. That’s all. You do not need to put more pressure on yourself than that. Simply acknowledge that you are experiencing whatever emotion that you’re experiencing right now.
Remind Yourself “This Too Shall Pass”
When struggling to be with an emotion, remind yourself that like every other emotion you’ve ever had, this one will pass, like all of the others. Sometimes when we’re really in the thick of a big emotion, it feels like it will never end. We feel at the center of an intense storm or spiral swirling us deeper and deeper into doomsday thinking. It is crucial to remember that you have survived every single emotion you have ever felt, and will survive this one. Moreover, most emotions do not last that long experientially speaking. It doesn’t take long for the brain to jump right back to the next thing in front of it.
But What If I’m Worried the Emotion Will Just Keep Resurfacing?
That is a valid thing to feel. For the trickier emotions in our lives, they do often occur over and over again. For some of us it’s anxiety, for others it’s sadness. If you notice yourself experiencing the same emotion more frequently, start by bringing curiosity to why you’re feeling this emotion more often. What has changed recently? Oftentimes, emotions have what I call a “call to action.” For some emotions the call to action may simply be feeling the emotion. Hurt is often asking us to simply feel it. But sometimes emotions have a greater message for us. Here comes the interesting part! Your emotions are MEANT to inform you about who you are, what you value, and what you don’t. If you are experiencing anxiety more intensely and frequently than you have before, it may imply that something in your life is off kilter. Think of your emotions as an internal navigation system trying to direct you. Emotions can have messages that are important for us to hear. When we avoid feeling our feelings, we may be choosing to miss the very thing about ourselves that would lead us to more harmony.
But What If I Dont Trust What My Emotions Are Telling Me?
Such an excellent question! For some of us, we experience intrusive thoughts that lead us to feeling confused as to what the real version of us actually thinks and feels. Have you ever felt confused about being in your relationship? Or how you feel about your current job? Some days your thoughts and feelings tell you one thing, and the next day they’re telling you the opposite. This is why it is critical to practice mindfulness around your emotions. What that means is that when you notice a feeling, you do not automatically believe the first thing your brain tells you about it, or even what it is.
Instead, you pause, and you check in with yourself more deeply, and you bring a neutral curiosity as best as you can to what it is you’re experiencing. It is okay if you get it wrong! This is a practice. Emotions are complex. Humans are even more complex! You might feel crazy trying to figure out what it is you actually feel. Know that is a part of being human and it is a design and feature, not a bug. But do not give up the practice of inquiry to what you’re feeling. For many of us, many check-in’s with our feelings is exactly what we need to do to gain a greater clarity on big decisions. It is so important that we practice patience in the relationship we have to our emotions. As long as we feistily want them gone and gone fast, we may be adding to the very chaos we feel. Do your very best to slow down, feel, bring curiosity, rinse, and repeat.
Okay, So I Practice Feeling My Feelings, But I Still Feel (anxious, sad, angry) What Gives?!
Life! Life happens. There could be many reasons you are still experiencing these recurring emotions. I am assuming you mean “excessive anxiety,” “excessive sadness,” or “excessive anger,” as opposed to appropriate sadness, anger, or anxiety, which would be emotions that are proportional given to their root cause. In those cases, when you face the pent up feelings, at first it may seem like they may never stop. But eventually, we hope to see a reduction in frequency and intensity of the emotion, IF the cause of the emotion is addressed. That is also key. Some emotions that are recurring are going to recur until the root of them is acknowledged and solved for if it is something to be solved for.
Sometimes Navigating Emotions Feels Better With the Help from a Therapist
If you’re feeling stuck with a particular emotion, sometimes reaching out for professional help can jumpstart the relief. If you’re curious about how Attuned Therapy can help you, don’t be afraid to schedule a FREE 15 minute phone consultation with me to see if we’d be a good fit.
Embarking on facing your feelings, after a long time of avoiding them can feel incredibly daunting. Sometimes it’s easier to have a professional guide, so to speak, to make the journey more structured and so you feel a a greater sense of trust as you navigate learning to regulate your emotions.
Remember that it’s okay to try this stuff out and then take a step back. Progress is never linear. Being human is hard! Emotions can feel genuinely scary or insurmountable to feel. But you are also stronger than you think. And should you get better at feeling your feelings, you and your life would benefit from that in immeasurable ways!