Understanding Avoidant Attachment: Signs, Causes, and Healing in Relationships
Are You Dating Someone with Avoidant Attachment?
If you’ve ever felt like you’re constantly chasing an emotionally distant partner—one who pulls away just as things start to feel close—you may be dating someone with an avoidant attachment style. You may wonder, Why won’t they open up? Why do they seem so uninterested in deeper emotional intimacy?
Before we dive into understanding avoidant attachment in relationships, it’s important to acknowledge something: if you find yourself repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable partners, it may be time to explore your own attachment insecurity and ask why you are seeking validation from someone who struggles to connect.
This blog will help you recognize the signs of avoidant attachment, understand what causes avoidant attachment, and explore how to heal avoidant attachment style—whether in yourself or someone you care about.
What Is Avoidant Attachment?
Avoidant attachment is a form of insecure attachment where individuals struggle with emotional intimacy and closeness. People with this attachment style tend to:
Prioritize independence over connection
Withdraw when they feel emotionally vulnerable
Struggle to express their emotions
Feel suffocated by too much closeness
Have difficulty relying on others
This attachment style originates in childhood when a caregiver was emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or overly critical. As a child, the avoidant individual learned that expressing emotions led to rejection or discomfort, so they adapted by becoming self-sufficient and emotionally guarded.
Avoidant Attachment Signs: How to Recognize It
If you’re dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, you may notice patterns like:
Hot and Cold Behavior – They pull you in with charm and connection, but once things get too close, they withdraw.
Struggles with Emotional Expression – They avoid deep conversations and deflect when asked about their feelings.
Fear of Commitment – They hesitate to define the relationship or make future plans.
Prioritizing Independence – They may prefer excessive alone time, feel uncomfortable relying on a partner, or emphasize "not needing anyone."
Low Responsiveness – They might take hours (or days) to respond to messages and seem indifferent to consistent communication.
Minimizing Emotional Needs – They may dismiss your concerns, saying you’re "too needy" or "overreacting."
If you recognize these traits in a partner, it’s important to remember: this isn’t about you being “too much”—it’s about their learned emotional coping mechanisms. Many people have one time or another found themselves dating someone with avoidant attachment. It usually feels like the person is just out of reach. It can even incite a feeling within you to chase them. It's important to identify and recognize the signs of avoidant attachment, but read on to learn about how this connects back to you!
What Causes Avoidant Attachment?
Avoidant attachment typically stems from early childhood experiences where emotional needs were not consistently met. This can include:
Emotionally Distant Parents – A caregiver who did not respond to emotional distress or discouraged emotional expression.
High Expectations for Independence – Children who were expected to "figure things out on their own" or discouraged from seeking comfort.
Experiencing Rejection When Expressing Needs – If emotional expression was met with dismissal or punishment, the child learned to suppress emotions.
Early Life Stress or Trauma – Neglect, criticism, or chaotic home environments can contribute to attachment avoidance.
These experiences teach children that vulnerability is unsafe, leading them to develop avoidant behaviors to protect themselves from emotional pain. Understanding where avoidant attachment comes from is critical if you are dating someone with this attachment style. It’s all too easy for us to make it about ourselves, or worse, see this person as negatively flawed. If you find yourself feeling superior, resentful, or even negging the person you’re simultaneously trying to get love and affection from, it may be worthwhile to take some time to reflect upon the origins of avoidant attachment. Additionally, gentle and compassionate inquiry into why you’re seeking secure love and affection from someone you know has difficulty giving it, could be useful.
Avoidant Attachment in Relationships: Why Do They Pull Away?
If you’re dating someone with an avoidant attachment style, you might feel frustrated that they can’t (or won’t) open up. But their distance isn’t about a lack of care—it’s a learned defense mechanism.
People with avoidant attachment in relationships often:
Find excuses to avoid emotional intimacy (e.g., "I’m too busy" or "I’m not ready for a relationship right now.")
Downplay the importance of relationships and prioritize personal freedom
End relationships preemptively to avoid the risk of being hurt
Struggle with physical affection unless it’s purely sexual
Choose partners who are emotionally unavailable to maintain a safe emotional distance
Understanding these behaviors can help you navigate your relationship with greater clarity—and determine whether this dynamic is something you can work through or if it’s unhealthy for you. Remember, it is important to focus on what you need and want out of a relationship rather than trying to “fix” someone and force them to go to therapy. Many people who are avoidantly attached can heal their attachment style, but only through their own desire to.
How to Heal Avoidant Attachment Style
If you or your partner struggle with avoidant attachment, the good news is that attachment styles can change with consistent effort and self-awareness. Here are some steps toward healing:
For the Avoidant Partner:
Acknowledge the Pattern – Recognizing the discomfort with closeness is the first step toward change. Notice the moments in which you feel the urge to pull away or bolt.
Practice Emotional Expression – Start small by naming emotions rather than avoiding them. Experiment with sharing more about your feelings starting off slowly and building as you foster trust.
Allow Yourself to Need Others – Challenge the belief that independence means emotional detachment. It can feel scary to depend on someone else, but being in love requires that leap of faith.
Work with an Attachment-Based Therapist – Attachment-based therapy can help unpack childhood experiences and reshape emotional responses.
For the Partner of an Avoidant Individual:
Stop Chasing & Set Boundaries – If your partner withdraws, give them space without sacrificing your own emotional needs. Notice any urges within you to heal or fix them. Focus on your own boundaries instead.
Communicate Clearly & Calmly – Avoid blame; instead, express how their behavior impacts you. It’s imperative you approach addressing your concerns from a secure place within yourself. If you are flared up yourself, it may be best to wait until you feel calmer.
Focus on Secure Attachment Traits – Model emotional security by being open, consistent, and non-reactive. Bring mindfulness to how you can practice secure attachment. Sometimes, in doing this, we realize we actually do want more and may want to end the relationship for a partner who can meet our needs better.
Seek Support for Your Own Attachment Needs – If you’re drawn to emotionally unavailable partners, explore why with a therapist. Many people dating someone emotionally avoidant mistakenly think the avoidant person is the problem. I’m here to tell you a harsh, tough-love truth: they’re not the problem, you’re not the problem, but you are the one with a problem, by wanting someone to be more emotionally available for you, when you know it is not within their ability to do so.
Are You Focused on Their Attachment Style Instead of Your Own?
It’s easy to get caught up in analyzing why someone won’t commit, but a more valuable question to ask is: Why am I drawn to someone who struggles to show up for me?
There’s a lot of discourse online, particularly criticizing men for being avoidant. These discussions can quickly become accusatory, painting the avoidant partner as an unfeeling villain while positioning the anxious partner as a helpless victim. If you’re in a secure relationship history and this is your first encounter with an avoidant attachment style, this may not apply to you. But for those who repeatedly find themselves chasing emotionally unavailable partners, it’s time to turn inward.
As someone who once chased emotionally unavailable men, I want to empower other women to break free from this cycle. If you consistently find yourself drawn to avoidantly attached partners, then it’s important to acknowledge a hard truth: you likely have an insecure attachment style, too.
Rather than endlessly dissecting why they won’t commit or wishing they would change, the best thing you can do for yourself is to explore your own attachment patterns. The true path to healing is not in fixing or decoding them—but in understanding yourself. When you shift your focus inward, you reclaim your power, break unhealthy cycles, and open yourself up to true emotional security and connection.
Why Would I Choose Someone with Avoidant Attachment?
When we have insecure attachment, we often unconsciously seek out familiar relationship dynamics—even when they don’t serve us. If you had an emotionally distant parent or caregiver, your definition of love may have been shaped by experiences of emotional unavailability—a dynamic where love felt like distance, inconsistency, and lack of deep connection.
So while you may believe you’re fully open to love, if you have a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable partners, you may actually have avoidant attachment traits yourself. Emotional closeness might feel uncomfortable, and chasing an avoidant partner allows you to avoid true vulnerability while maintaining the illusion of wanting deep love.
If you fixate on an avoidant partner, it may be a sign of your own insecure attachment style, such as anxious attachment or fearful avoidant attachment. Recognizing this pattern is a powerful step toward healing. Therapy can help unpack these dynamics, explore why you are drawn to emotional distance, and guide you toward secure, fulfilling relationships where love feels safe and mutual.
Wait, What Do You Mean, I am Emotionally Avoidant?
Anyone may come across someone with avoidant attachment, but individuals with secure attachment recognize the misalignment in emotional availability and walk away. Those with insecure attachment, however, often look at the emotionally unavailable partner and think, “I can get this person to love me!” It may even be an unconscious relational pattern—one that feels both familiar and oddly exciting.
Does the idea of an emotionally unavailable partner choosing you light you up with excitement? Does it feel like a welcome challenge—perhaps even a familiar challenge? Even if you say you hate the mixed messages and emotional push and pull, do you feel an intense dopamine rush when they finally text back or show up for you? Could it be that you’ve become addicted to the intermittent reinforcement of their attention?
Have you placed them on a pedestal simply because they aren’t choosing you? Meanwhile, anyone who seems enthusiastically interested in you automatically feels like a turnoff. But why? Could it be that you have low self-esteem and that your dating frustration is actually a reflection of your own avoidance of healing?
Because here’s the thing: When you chase someone who is emotionally unavailable, it allows you to feel safe falling in love. It keeps true vulnerability at arm’s length because you know on some level that they will never commit or fully dive in. On the flip side, when someone shows genuine, eager interest in you, and you suddenly feel the “ick” or the urge to pull away, it’s often because deep down, you’re not actually open to real, deep, vulnerable love.
Chasing emotionally unavailable partners allows you to stay stuck. It convinces you that you’re ready for love when, in reality, you may be resisting the very intimacy you claim to seek. If you’ve repeatedly pursued emotionally distant people, it may be time to ask yourself: Am I truly open to love, or am I using these relationships to avoid confronting my own fears of intimacy?
I know this is a hard pill to swallow, but if this resonates, it’s worth exploring. By shifting the focus inward, examining your relationship with real intimacy, and challenging yourself to seek out emotionally available partners, you can finally move toward the deep, meaningful love you deserve.
How Therapy Can Help Heal Insecure Attachment
Therapy provides a safe space to explore and heal insecure attachment wounds. The tricky part about attachment is that we often have blind spots—we don’t always recognize our own avoidant tendencies. When we reject someone, take hours to text back, or emotionally distance ourselves, we may not see it as stringing them along—we simply don’t give it much thought. Similarly, when we become fixated on someone who is clearly less invested, we often view them as the problem, rather than recognizing how we are repeating our own attachment patterns.
A therapist can help identify these blind spots and bring awareness to your unconscious relationship patterns—a crucial first step toward secure attachment.
Once you gain insight into your tendencies, therapy becomes an opportunity to actively shift behaviors in real-time. Your therapist may assign mindfulness-based exercises—such as reflecting on texting patterns, evaluating emotional responses after a date, or noticing when you’re relating from a place of attachment insecurity vs. secure attachment.
As you develop awareness, the next step is to experiment with new ways of relating. A therapist will hold you accountable, guiding you as you practice emotionally available behaviors and challenge old, unhelpful thought patterns. Through consistent mindfulness, self-reflection, and intentional change, healing avoidant attachment becomes possible. Over time, you’ll see the proof in your relationships—as you become more emotionally available, more secure in love, and better able to build deep, meaningful connections.