Emotional Cheating: What It Is, Why It Happens, and How to Heal
What Is Emotional Cheating?
Emotional cheating, also known as emotional infidelity, occurs when someone in a committed relationship forms a deep emotional bond with another person outside of their partnership. Unlike physical cheating, which typically involves sexual intimacy, emotional cheating involves sharing intimate thoughts, emotions, and vulnerabilities—connections that are usually reserved for a romantic partner. This can happen in person or through digital communication, such as texting, social media, or online messaging. Emotional cheating by texting is especially common in today’s digital age and can be just as damaging as face-to-face interactions.
While some people don’t consider emotional cheating to be as serious as physical infidelity, it can create deep wounds in a relationship by breaking trust, shifting emotional intimacy away from the primary partnership, and causing feelings of insecurity and betrayal.
Emotional Cheating vs. Close Friendships: Where’s the Line?
Many people have close friendships outside of their relationship, but when does a friendship cross the line into emotional cheating? The key distinction lies in secrecy, emotional dependence, and romantic feelings. Signs that a friendship may have become emotionally inappropriate include:
Hiding or downplaying the relationship from your partner
Seeking emotional support from the other person instead of your partner
Feeling guilty about your interactions or deleting messages
Comparing your partner unfavorably to the other person
Fantasizing about a romantic relationship with the other person
If you wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing the nature of the relationship with your partner, it may be emotional cheating.
Causes of Emotional Cheating
Emotional cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It often stems from unmet needs, unresolved conflicts, or deeper personal struggles. Some common causes include:
1. Emotional Neglect in the Relationship
When someone feels unheard, unseen, or emotionally disconnected in their primary relationship, they may seek emotional validation elsewhere. This is especially true if they feel their partner doesn’t support them emotionally.
2. Poor Communication
A lack of open and honest communication can lead to resentment, misunderstandings, and emotional distance. If partners are unable to express their needs or concerns, they may turn to someone else for emotional connection.
3. Unresolved Personal Insecurities
Some individuals engage in emotional cheating not because they want to hurt their partner, but because they are seeking external validation. If someone struggles with low self-esteem, they may become emotionally reliant on someone outside the relationship to feel valued.
4. Fear of Confrontation
Rather than addressing issues within the relationship, some people subconsciously or intentionally form emotional connections as a way to avoid direct conflict with their partner.
5. The Appeal of Novelty and Excitement
The rush of a new emotional connection can feel intoxicating, especially when compared to the predictability of a long-term relationship. This doesn’t mean something is inherently wrong with the primary relationship—but it may indicate a lack of emotional investment or effort.
6. Technology & Social Media
Social media, texting, and online communities make it easier than ever to form emotional connections without physical boundaries. This creates a slippery slope—what starts as a casual chat can develop into an emotional attachment before either person realizes it.
Signs of Emotional Cheating
Recognizing emotional cheating isn’t always easy, but here are some warning signs that may indicate an emotional affair:
You share personal thoughts, dreams, and feelings with someone other than your partner.
You feel emotionally closer to the other person than your partner.
You seek emotional validation from them instead of your partner.
You keep the relationship a secret or downplay its significance.
You feel excitement or anticipation before seeing or messaging them.
You compare your partner to them and feel dissatisfied.
You fantasize about a future with the other person.
You become defensive or guilty when asked about the relationship.
If you recognize several of these signs, it may be time to reassess the boundaries in your relationship.
Insecure Attachment: When Emotional Cheating Isn’t the Issue
It’s important to acknowledge that not every close friendship or outside connection is emotional cheating. Sometimes, our own fears and insecurities—especially anxious or avoidant attachment styles—can lead us to perceive emotional cheating where there is none.
Anxious attachment: People with anxious attachment may fear abandonment and interpret even minor interactions as signs of infidelity.
Avoidant attachment: Those with avoidant attachment may struggle to express emotions in relationships, leading their partners to seek emotional intimacy elsewhere.
Understanding your attachment style can help you determine whether your concerns stem from genuine red flags or personal insecurities.
Healing & Emotional Affair Recovery
If emotional cheating has occurred, healing is possible—but it requires honesty, accountability, and commitment from both partners. Steps to begin the recovery process include:
1. Open & Honest Communication
Both partners need to express their feelings and concerns in a non-accusatory way. Couples therapy can help facilitate these conversations.
2. Rebuilding Trust
Trust doesn’t return overnight—it must be re-earned through consistent honesty, transparency, and follow-through.
3. Addressing Root Issues
Rather than focusing solely on the emotional affair, partners must identify and address the deeper relationship issues that led to it.
4. Setting Healthy Boundaries
If emotional boundaries have been blurred, couples need to redefine what is and isn’t acceptable in their relationship.
5. Prioritizing Emotional Intimacy in the Relationship
Emotional cheating often happens when partners stop nurturing their emotional connection. Making time for intentional intimacy and deeper conversations is crucial.
Seeking Support: How Therapy Can Help
Emotional cheating can be painful, but healing is possible with the right support. At Attuned Therapy in NYC, we help individuals and couples:
Process the emotions surrounding emotional cheating
Address attachment insecurities and relationship fears
Develop healthier communication skills
Rebuild trust and emotional intimacy
If you or your partner are struggling with emotional cheating or relationship insecurities, you don’t have to navigate this alone.