Am I Neurodivergent? A Guide for High-Masking Women Exploring Autism and Sensory Sensitivities
Why More Women Are Asking This Question
If you've ever found yourself wondering, Could I be autistic or neurodivergent?, you’re not alone. For years, autism and other forms of neurodivergence were primarily studied and diagnosed based on traits observed in men, leaving countless women overlooked. With more information now available—and vibrant conversations happening online—many women are starting to recognize patterns in themselves that point to neurodivergence.
From sensory sensitivities to "masking" behaviors, understanding your experiences can be a powerful journey toward self-discovery and self-compassion. This blog is here to guide you through the traits and behaviors that might signal neurodivergence, especially in high-masking women.
Why Are Women Often Missed in Neurodivergence Diagnoses?
Historically, diagnostic tools for autism were developed around male behavioral patterns. Women and girls were often overlooked because:
Masking Behaviors: Women are often socialized to fit in, leading them to suppress neurodivergent traits.
Cultural Expectations: Women are expected to excel in social and emotional skills, masking difficulties with social interaction.
Bias in Research: Early autism studies primarily focused on boys, leading to diagnostic criteria that didn’t account for the unique ways autism presents in women.
Misdiagnoses: Many neurodivergent women are misdiagnosed with anxiety, depression, or borderline personality disorder due to overlapping symptoms.
These factors contribute to why so many women don’t discover their neurodivergence until adulthood.
What Is Masking?
Masking, also known as camouflaging, is a coping mechanism used by neurodivergent individuals to suppress or hide their natural traits and behaviors in order to conform to societal expectations and fit in with neurotypical peers. This often involves consciously or unconsciously altering aspects of one's behavior, communication, or emotions to avoid drawing attention to neurodivergent traits that might be perceived as "different."
For women, in particular, masking can be especially common and complex due to societal pressures to conform to feminine norms. Women may be more likely to internalize social expectations and feel the weight of needing to "fit in" and avoid standing out. This can look like:
Rehearsing Conversations: Neurodivergent individuals may spend a significant amount of time mentally rehearsing conversations, trying to predict how they should respond in social interactions to avoid awkwardness or misunderstandings. This rehearsal can make conversations feel robotic or overly calculated, leaving little room for spontaneous expression.
Mimicking Others: Many neurodivergent individuals engage in mirroring behaviors—copying speech patterns, body language, or even interests of those around them—to blend in. This imitation can sometimes feel like a performance, where the individual is pretending to be someone they're not, in order to avoid standing out or being judged.
Suppressing Stimming Behaviors: Stimming, or self-stimulatory behaviors, can include actions like fidgeting, tapping, rocking, or repetitive movements. While these behaviors are natural coping mechanisms that help regulate sensory input or manage emotions, individuals who mask often suppress them, fearing that such actions might be perceived as abnormal or disruptive. This suppression can lead to a buildup of anxiety and stress, as these coping strategies are held in check.
Masking often becomes second nature, and individuals may not even be consciously aware of the extent to which they are doing it. However, the emotional and physical toll of masking is significant.
While masking can help individuals navigate social expectations and avoid negative judgment in the short term, it often comes at a cost. Over time, it can lead to:
Exhaustion: Constantly monitoring and suppressing natural behaviors to meet societal norms can drain an individual’s energy. This can result in feeling mentally and physically fatigued, as the person is constantly "on guard," trying to maintain a facade of normalcy.
Burnout: When the pressure of masking becomes overwhelming, it can lead to burnout. This is a state of emotional and mental exhaustion that often results in a withdrawal from social activities, difficulty concentrating, and a general sense of being disconnected from one’s own identity.
Loss of Authenticity: Masking can create a sense of disconnection from one’s true self. The longer someone masks, the harder it can become to recognize or reconnect with their authentic identity, as they might feel like they are playing a role or living up to an image they've constructed to please others.
This internal conflict of trying to "fit in" while hiding one's true self can create a sense of isolation, as the person feels like they are living in a constant state of inauthenticity. Over time, this can lead to feelings of shame, frustration, and confusion about who they truly are.
For neurodivergent women, the pressure to mask may be even more pronounced, as societal expectations for women to be socially adept, emotionally expressive, and non-disruptive are often amplified. This can make it even more challenging to navigate the world while staying true to one's authentic self.
Signs You May Be a High-Masking Woman
Many neurodivergent women become adept at masking from a young age, often without even realizing it. Because traditional diagnostic criteria were largely based on male presentations of neurodivergence, many women have had their struggles overlooked or misinterpreted. If you resonate with the following signs, you might be a high-masking neurodivergent woman:
1. Sensory Sensitivities
Do certain textures make your skin crawl? Are you easily overwhelmed by loud noises, bright lights, or crowded spaces? Sensory sensitivities are a hallmark of neurodivergence, though they are often dismissed as "quirks" or "overreactions."
You might find clothing tags unbearable, avoid certain fabrics, or cut out the lining of socks to make them tolerable.
Strong smells, like perfumes or cleaning products, may be overwhelming or even nauseating.
Fluorescent lighting, sudden loud noises, or chaotic environments (like malls or concerts) can cause physical discomfort, irritability, or even shutdowns.
You may have developed coping mechanisms, such as always wearing sunglasses outdoors, avoiding strong-smelling lotions, or choosing specific foods based on texture rather than taste.
Many high-masking women have learned to endure these sensitivities in silence, often forcing themselves to tolerate discomfort to avoid appearing "dramatic" or "overly sensitive."
2. Social Exhaustion and “Hangovers”
Social interactions can be mentally and emotionally draining for high-masking women, even if they appear outgoing and engaged on the surface. If you've ever needed hours (or even days) to recover from a social gathering, it could be due to masking fatigue.
You may spend an entire event consciously monitoring your behavior, ensuring you make the "right" amount of eye contact, respond appropriately to jokes, and mirror others’ energy levels.
After socializing, you may experience exhaustion, irritability, headaches, or a deep need for solitude—almost like a "hangover" from overextending yourself.
Even small social exchanges, such as answering emails or chatting with coworkers, might feel like they take an excessive amount of energy.
This exhaustion isn’t from a lack of social skills but rather from the mental strain of performing neurotypical behaviors.
3. Deep Focus on Interests
Many neurodivergent people develop intense, passionate interests that they can immerse themselves in for hours without losing focus. These "special interests" are often a source of joy, comfort, and even self-regulation.
You might have a deep love for a specific topic—such as history, psychology, plants, a TV series, or an obscure hobby—and spend hours researching it.
As a child, you may have memorized intricate details about your favorite subjects, such as the names of every dinosaur or every character in a book series.
Others may have called you "obsessive" or "nerdy," but these interests bring you a sense of purpose and stability.
High-masking women often learn to hide or downplay their passions in social settings, fearing that their enthusiasm might be perceived as "too much."
4. Stimming Behaviors You Didn’t Recognize
Stimming, or self-stimulatory behavior, is a natural way for neurodivergent people to regulate emotions and sensory input. While more obvious stims—such as rocking or hand-flapping—are commonly associated with autism, many high-masking women engage in subtle stims without realizing it.
Common stims include:
Twirling or playing with hair absentmindedly.
Picking at nails, skin, or cuticles.
Tapping fingers, feet, or objects (such as clicking a pen repeatedly).
Repetitive doodling or tracing shapes over and over.
Biting lips, chewing gum constantly, or sucking on small objects (such as pen caps).
Since women are often socialized to be more "controlled" in their behavior, many high-masking women unconsciously develop socially acceptable versions of stimming, often without realizing that these actions serve a regulatory function.
5. Difficulty with Executive Functioning
Do you struggle with planning, organizing, or initiating tasks? Executive dysfunction is a core challenge for many neurodivergent individuals and can be mistaken for laziness, procrastination, or even carelessness.
You might feel overwhelmed by tasks that require multiple steps, such as cooking a meal with different components or planning a trip.
Despite having good intentions, you might struggle with following through on deadlines or daily routines.
You may find it difficult to start tasks, even if you genuinely want to do them—this isn’t due to a lack of motivation, but rather a kind of "task paralysis."
Time blindness can make it hard to estimate how long things will take, leading to chronic lateness or over-scheduling yourself without realizing it.
For high-masking women, these struggles are often hidden because they develop elaborate coping mechanisms, such as keeping meticulous to-do lists or relying heavily on structure to stay on top of responsibilities.
6. Hyper-Empathy or People-Pleasing
Many high-masking neurodivergent women experience intense emotional sensitivity, often picking up on others’ emotions before they even express them. While this hyper-empathy can be a strength, it can also lead to:
Constantly prioritizing others’ needs over your own.
Feeling emotionally drained from absorbing others’ stress, sadness, or frustration.
Having difficulty setting boundaries, as you don’t want to disappoint or upset anyone.
Struggling with emotional regulation because of how deeply you feel things.
This hyper-awareness can result in people-pleasing behaviors, where you mold yourself to fit others' expectations, often at the expense of your own needs.
7. Feeling “Different” Your Whole Life
If you’ve always felt out of sync with your peers—like an observer rather than a participant—you may have spent years trying to "fake normal."
As a child, you might have felt like an outsider, struggling to understand social dynamics that seemed to come naturally to others.
You may have developed an internal "script" for different social situations, learning how to act based on observation rather than instinct.
Many high-masking women recall being called "quirky," "awkward," or "too much"—or conversely, being seen as "shy" or "quiet" despite having a rich inner world.
This persistent feeling of being "different" often leads to a sense of identity confusion, especially if you've spent years masking your true self to blend in.
Is That Really Stimming?
You might have noticed little behaviors—tapping, humming, or repetitive movements—that help you feel calm or focused. While society often associates stimming with children or more obvious behaviors, many women stim in subtle ways. These could include:
Pacing while thinking.
Playing with jewelry or clothing.
Repeating favorite phrases or songs in your head.
Stimming is a natural response to your environment, whether it’s to soothe, express excitement, or process sensory input.
Why Self-Diagnosis Is Valid
For many women, self-diagnosis is an empowering step. It allows you to explore your identity without the financial or emotional barriers of a formal diagnosis. While a clinical diagnosis can provide access to support and accommodations, it’s your choice whether or not to pursue one. Doing your own research and evaluating what criterion or descriptors resonates with you can be affirming enough.
How to Explore Neurodivergence Further
If you suspect you may be neurodivergent or simply want to learn more, there are many ways to deepen your understanding and connect with others who share similar experiences.
1. Read Books and Articles
Books written by neurodivergent authors can provide invaluable insights into the lived experiences of high-masking women. Consider exploring:
"Divergent Mind: Thriving in a World That Wasn't Designed for You" by Jenara Nerenberg – A groundbreaking book that explores how neurodivergence, particularly in women, is often overlooked and misunderstood.
"Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity" by Dr. Devon Price – A deep dive into the concept of masking, why so many autistic people feel compelled to hide their traits, and how to embrace authenticity.
"Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder: Understanding Life Experiences from Early Childhood to Old Age" by Sarah Hendrickx – A detailed exploration of how autism presents differently in women and girls.
"Divergent" (Anthology Series) – A collection of essays by neurodivergent individuals sharing their personal experiences.
"The Pattern Seekers: How Autism Drives Human Invention" by Simon Baron-Cohen – An interesting take on how autistic traits have historically contributed to innovation and creativity.
In addition to books, online articles from neurodivergent advocates, psychologists, and researchers can provide up-to-date information and personal narratives. Websites like NeuroClastic, Spectrum News, and The Aspergian offer thoughtful discussions on neurodivergence.
2. Join Online Communities
The internet has become a powerful space for neurodivergent people to share their experiences, connect, and build communities.
Reddit: Subreddits like r/neurodiversity, r/AutismInWomen, and r/ADHDWomen are filled with personal stories, advice, and discussions on masking and late diagnosis.
TikTok & Instagram: Many neurodivergent advocates share relatable content about masking, executive dysfunction, sensory sensitivities, and more. Some popular creators include:
@nigh.functioning.autism
@neurodivergent_insights
@adultingwithadhd
Facebook & Discord Groups: Many private communities exist for women exploring their neurodivergence in a safe, supportive space.
These platforms provide an opportunity to hear from others who have walked a similar path and can offer validation and guidance.
3. Seek Therapy with a Neurodivergence-Affirming Professional
If you're exploring neurodivergence and its impact on your life, working with a therapist who understands autism, ADHD, and other neurodivergent traits can be incredibly helpful.
Look for neurodivergence-affirming therapists who focus on self-acceptance rather than forcing neurotypical coping strategies.
Seek professionals who are experienced in working with high-masking women and late-diagnosed individuals.
Consider therapists who are neurodivergent themselves, as they may have a deeper, firsthand understanding of your experiences.
Whether through reading, connecting with a community, or working with a professional, exploring your neurodivergence is a deeply personal journey. The more you learn, the more you can embrace your authentic self—without the pressure to mask.
How Therapy Can Help High-Masking Women
For high-masking women, therapy can be a transformative space for self-discovery, healing, and unlearning deeply ingrained coping mechanisms that may no longer serve them. Many women spend years—or even decades—masking their neurodivergence, often leading to feelings of exhaustion, identity confusion, and burnout. Working with a therapist who is both neurodivergent-informed and affirming is crucial because traditional therapy models often overlook the unique experiences of high-masking individuals.
Therapy can help you:
Process the Emotions Tied to Discovering Your Neurodivergence
Many women feel a mix of relief, grief, and confusion when they realize they are neurodivergent. Therapy provides a safe space to explore these emotions, validate past experiences, and reframe self-perceptions.Recognize and Reduce Burnout & Sensory Overload
Constantly masking, navigating social norms, and suppressing sensory sensitivities can lead to chronic stress and burnout. A neurodivergent-affirming therapist can help you develop strategies tailored to your needs—whether that’s setting boundaries, integrating sensory-friendly routines, or learning how to self-regulate in ways that don’t feel forced or unnatural.Unmask in a Safe and Gradual Way
Many neurodivergent women feel pressure to continue masking because it has become second nature, often as a means of survival in work, relationships, and daily life. Therapy can offer a non-judgmental space to explore what unmasking looks like for you—at a pace that feels safe and empowering. This might include rediscovering your natural communication style, allowing yourself to stim freely, or learning how to advocate for accommodations without fear of rejection.Challenge Internalized Ableism & People-Pleasing Tendencies
Many high-masking women have spent years believing they are "too sensitive," "too much," or "not trying hard enough." These messages, rooted in societal expectations, can lead to self-doubt and excessive people-pleasing. Therapy can help you challenge these beliefs, recognize your inherent worth, and cultivate self-compassion.
As a licensed mental health counselor (LMHC) in NYC, I specialize in supporting women who are navigating these questions. Whether you’re seeking validation, practical tools for self-care, or a space to explore your neurodivergence, therapy can help you gain clarity, confidence, and a deeper understanding of yourself. You deserve support that honors your unique brain and lived experiences.
Your Journey Is Valid
If you’ve spent your life thinking you were neurotypical, it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions as you explore the possibility of being neurodivergent. Remember, your experiences are real and valid—whether you choose to seek a diagnosis or not.
If you're ready to learn more or explore how therapy can support you on this journey, I’d love to help. Contact my NYC-based practice to schedule a session today. Together, we can navigate your next steps with compassion and care.