The Key to Mastering Your Emotions
What is Being a Master of Emotions Anyway?
A lot of people come to therapy requesting tools to help them “master” their emotions. I ask them what that means for them and usually get a responses like, “Well, I want to stop feeling panicky during the work day,” or “I want to stop my anger outbursts when I’m with family.” Fine and fair desires! I would want to put an end to those experiences too. Clients, however, falsely believe that mastering one’s emotions means not having feelings at all. On the contrary, mastering one’s emotions means feeling them regularly so that they never get to that peak-10-level and cause what I call emotional “spillage.” Mastering emotions therefore isn’t about suppression, or becoming a robot (though I will admit, sometimes I still fantasize about having a real dial to tone down my emotions sometimes). Mastering emotions is about being so attuned to yourself that YOU are in control.
The Water-Tank Metaphor
What do I mean by this? Well most of my clients know about my “Water-Tank” metaphor by now. Imagine a water tank. A lot of people who want to master their emotions enter therapy with their “water-line” at the top of their tank. Tiny drops of water drop in, and they’re experiencing spillage in the forms of panic attacks, crying spells, or anger outbursts. They tell me, “I don’t understand, Alyson, I’m getting upset over the tiniest of things.” Well this makes sense when we consider where their water line is at! The goal of therapy is not find a lid to put on top of the tank. The goal of therapy is to reduce that water line to a happy middle point so that as more water drops in the water line rises but ultimately we maintain a middle-range within the tank. If you haven’t guessed it by now, this is a metaphor for emotion regulation!
Emotion Regulation IS the Skill
Emotion Regulation is about checking in with yourself frequently and attuning to your needs. Emotions pile up when we ignore emotions. So you want to stop experiencing high levels of certain emotions? They key is to consistently check in with yourself. Pay close attention! Write your feelings down or use one of the many mood tracking apps available in the app store. I am partial to “Mood Track.” By checking in with yourself consistently, it is impossible to get to an emotional “10,” without fair warnings. You will begin to notice when you’re at a 6, 7, or 8 first. When you become aware of the fact your irritability, or panic, or sadness is reaching a 7, you now can intervene with attunement.
Notice, Notice, and Notice Some More!
Until you become aware of your emotions you cannot master them. Therefore checking in with yourself is the main key to becoming a master. Track your emotions for one week; write down every mood you have anytime you can think to record it. What data did you learn about yourself? Information can guide you in the right direction to accurate attunement.