Dating and the City: Catch the Feelings

Do New Yorkers Even Date?

Dating in New York City is unlike dating anywhere else. Between work, and working out, commuting and traveling the world, New Yorkers have little time for their love lives. The people here aren’t just aiming to build homes, they’re aiming to build empires. Talk to any guy in his mid to late twenties and he’s probably already built at least one start-up. New Yorkers come here to flourish in their careers while taking part in the endless culture of things to do. But for all of the hard working singles trying to justify their rent, where does time for love fit in?

“You’re not Dating if You Don’t Bitch About it.”

My generation loves to bash dating, but specifically online dating. “I just want to meet someone organically, like in the old days,” I’ll hear often. But do you really? Do you want to frequent a bar nightly hoping that your soulmate happens to cold approach you? Are you prepared if a man you dont find attractive hits on you? I cannot help but hear this wishful thinking as a cop out from the scary feelings that come with dating. I hear: I just want my love life to fall into my lap. Hey, I don’t blame you! I’d like that too. The issue is it’s an incredibly passive approach and one that leaves us disempowered and waiting. When we convince ourselves that our love lives should just “happen” to us, we’re really saying, “I am scared. Dating is scary. Please don’t make me go through these emotions.” If you wish you could just fast forward to a happy relationship, you’re not alone.

Do You Really Hate the Right Thing?

But let’s be clear: You don’t hate online dating, you just hate dating. And you don’t hate dating. You hate the vulnerability of rejecting others and getting rejected yourself. You hate having to connect with yourself when someone asks you a question about you. You hate the anxiety that comes up when someone messages you. You hate the cocktail of emotions that arise when you’re unsure about how you feel about someone. If you are serious about finding love you must first stop externalizing the anxiety, and begin accepting the process that dating really is.

Your Problem is Your Solution

Dating is HARD. I know- I’m an active dater in the city. It’s exhausting and draining, infuriating at times, and even depressing. But dating is also a massive opportunity for self growth. Hear me out. Every time you face your fear and message someone back, you grow. Every time you push yourself to go on a date and try talking about yourself, you grow. Every time you find yourself uncomfortably being pursued by someone and you muster the courage to politely reject them rather than ghost them, you grow.

The Hopeless Romantic Escape Artist

Dating is not a means to an end. There is no promised land of happiness that once you arrive you are just set. Even if you are one of the lucky ones who marries their first Hinge date you will still be pressed to do hard inner self work….until you die. There is no escaping this! You can either show up and engage with this work, or you can spend your life running from it. If you’re like me, you are a hopeless romantic and want an epic love life. You cannot have an epic love life by chance. You create it, and you do this by showing up in each and every dating scenario that makes you feel awkward or anxious.

Become Fearless in Love

So my plea to you is to lean into the vulnerability of navigating dating and love. It IS messy, it IS hard, it IS scary. Those things are all true. But how does remaining emotionally safe get you closer to the love life you want? There is so much to be gained from engaging with the uncomfortable feelings that come up for you when you date or navigate a relationship. By shying away from them, you never really get rid of them. They will always be there waiting for you. But if you push yourself to lean into your vulnerability, you may just develop a rock-solid security and fearlessness in love, and when you do that, you open up an entire world of opportunity.