The Existential Loneliness of Gifted Women
If you are anything like me, then you’ve likely experienced existential depression and loneliness. The interplay of neurodivergence, especially giftedness and existential depression and loneliness is quite fascinating, though the lived experience just feels like straight misanthropy and nihilism.
There’s a kind of loneliness that doesn’t come from being physically alone. It comes from thinking too deeply, feeling too much, and sensing, quietly but clearly, that very few people in your life truly get you.
Maybe you've always felt that way. Like you were somehow out of step with the world around you, able to see patterns others missed, tuned in to layers no one else noticed. You may have been labeled gifted when you were younger, or perhaps you were just put into the “higher” reading groups. But that word gifted never quite captured the complexity of what it means to carry so much awareness, or the ache of being unable to share it.
Society carries an entirely different connotation to the concept of giftedness than the individual does. Giftedness is also so often misunderstood and rejected by everyone including the gifted individuals themselves, that an added layer of isolation and feeling different contributes further to depression.
You may have the degrees, the accolades, the “successful” life, or you may have personal shame about not amounting to what was expected of you. But underneath it all is a quiet truth you rarely say out loud: You often feel like an alien in a world that doesn’t speak your language.
Giftedness Is Not Just About Intelligence — It’s About Intensity
When people hear the word gifted, they often think of high test scores or early achievements. But that’s not what we’re talking about here. Giftedness, particularly in women, often shows up as a deep, relentless awareness. Emotional intensity. Sensory sensitivity. A brain that never turns off, and a heart that aches at the beauty and brutality of being alive.
You might be the one who sees meaning in everything. Who cries during commercials. Who feels other people’s pain as if it were your own. And yet… you’ve likely been told your whole life that you’re “too much.” Too sensitive. Too dramatic. Too intense. Too smart for your own good. So you learned to mask it. To shrink it. To translate yourself into versions others could digest. And that translation? It’s exhausting. Lonely, too.
Why Gifted Women Often Feel Disconnected
For many gifted women, the world can feel flat, shallow, or unfulfilling. Not because you’re ungrateful or arrogant, but because you crave depth. Realness. Conversations that cut through small talk and touch something alive. Relationships where you don’t have to explain your every nuance. A life that feels as expansive as your inner world.
You might long for connection but struggle to find people who meet you there. You might feel restless in your career, even if it’s “successful.” You might move through friendships like phases, burning bright, then fading out once the mask becomes too heavy. And in the absence of true resonance, you might wonder: Is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I just be satisfied? Why do I always feel a little bit apart, even when surrounded by people? This is the existential loneliness of the gifted woman. It’s not a flaw. It’s a reflection of how much you’re holding.
Resources on Giftedness in Adults
When I was deep in the throes of a gnarly existential depressive episode myself, I googled if people with higher EQ are more likely to experience depression and suicidal ideation. What I found ended up leading me to learning so much about giftedness and it’s relationship to mental health.
Moreover, I discovered the lack of resources available for gifted adults compared to gifted children. I suppose we just sort of expect that giftedness means someone doesn’t need help, that if they’re gifted they can figure it all out. Many times, gifted individuals do find success, other times their values lead them to choose a simple life. And in other cases, their brain gets the better of them leading to an array of psychological disorders and even health ailments.
SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted), offers resources for gifted adults who are struggling with mental health. However, it is so hard for gifted individuals to feel they’re worthy of seeking help. They feel competent or that they should be, yet the depression and feelings of being different persist. This is where I feel psychoeducation on giftedness can be life saving. I’d recommend reading up on Dabrowski’s work, and the concept of overexcitabilities. I’d also recommend Living with Intensity - Understanding the Sensitivity, Excitability, and Emotional Development of Gifted Children, Adolescents, and Adults and The Gifted Adult: A Revolutionary Guide for Liberating Everyday Genius.
I also remain a huge fan of the website: LiveReal.com and particularly this article when I am feeling existentially depressed: Overcoming Meaninglessness and Existential Depression. I know that finding meaning in a world that seems cruel and unfair is a life-long journey. But I have found solace in reading other famous authors, poets, physicists and more, explore why we’re here and normalizing that it feels crazy to be “okay” in an absurd life and absurd existence.
This excerpt by Leo Tolstoy immediately connected with me then and remains true for me today, albeit with less distress and more peace,
“My life came to a stop. I could breathe, eat, drink, and sleep; indeed, I could not help but breathe, eat, drink, and sleep. But there was no life in me because I had no desires whose satisfaction I would have found reasonable. If I wanted something, I knew beforehand that it did not matter whether or not I got it.
If a fairy had come and offered to fulfill my every wish, I would not have known what to wish for. If in moments of intoxication I should have not desires but the habits of old desires, in moments of sobriety I knew that it was all a delusion, that I really desired nothing. I did not even want to discover truth anymore because I had guessed what it was. The truth was that life is meaningless . . .”
As the author of LiveReal points out, no one can do the existential math for us though. Irvin Yalom compares looking at the existential questions of life like staring into the sun. Most people know the sun is there, they don’t question it and enjoy it’s warmth and rays. For those of us that cannot help but to look up and ask why, our eyes burn, and the worst part is, we can’t even look away.
But what I do hope to offer you is that you can learn to metaphorically have a pair of sunglasses on, you can learn that while your tendency is to constantly look at the sun, that it’s okay to simply bask in the rays.
The Burden of Insight, The Ache of Knowing
Being gifted often means seeing the cracks in everything. Noticing hypocrisy. Holding paradox. Questioning systems, roles, assumptions, including your own. You might understand people better than they understand themselves. You might anticipate outcomes before they unfold. You might intuit what’s really happening beneath the surface, and carry it in silence.
And with that insight comes a kind of existential fatigue. It’s exhausting to feel like the emotional container for everyone else. To be the one who “gets it.” To be told you're wise, articulate, strong, when really, you’re just used to hiding your own needs beneath your brilliance. You might crave someone who can match your depth, not fix you, not simplify you, but meet you. Yet the search is often bleak. Or when you do meet someone who really gets you on that deep level, they are plagued by their own mind so much and so deep in their own mental health issues, they aren’t capable of being the positive support you’re seeking.
All of this leads to existential loneliness and a feeling like you’re an alien in a world full of humans. Why can’t I just accept the world like everyone else? Why does my brain work differently? — These are questions you may have asked yourself before, but know that it’s important to educate yourself on giftedness if any of this resonates. Adopting a model where your attributes are a strength and gift to this world, instead of just a divergent annoyance, is critical to your well-being and life.
Whether you are gifted, autistic, ADHD, HSP, or anything else, learning more about your form of neurodivergence protects you from personalizing these feelings of loneliness. And if I can emphasize anything in this blog, it’s that you must not personalize the alien-like feeling as something is inherently wrong with you. You are not broken. You are different in a positive way, but the world wasn’t designed for your gifts and strengths. Most people are incapable of appreciating what you bring to the table. You must learn to value your gifts yourself if you want a life with less depression and low self worth.
Why Therapy Can Be Different (If It’s the Right Therapist)
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that not every therapist understands this flavor of loneliness. I frequent Reddit enought to see how upset gifted individuals are with therapists not getting them or offering anything that they don’t already know. Not every therapist can meet a gifted client without pathologizing their intensity, or feeling threatened by their intellect. But the right therapy space can be revolutionary.
It’s a place where:
You don’t have to dim yourself to be understood.
Your existential questions aren’t seen as overthinking, but as sacred inquiry.
Your emotional depth is honored, not managed.
You can unmask, exhale, and be fully seen — without needing to explain your complexity away.
You dont have to feel like you’re lightyears ahead of them when conceptualizing what’s going on and how to treat it.
Therapy for gifted women isn’t about fixing what’s “wrong” with you. It’s not about witch-hunting the problem within you. It’s about learning to embrace your sensitivities, intensities, overexcitabilities, and so much more. It’s about creating space for the vastness of who you are. It’s about learning to regularly relate to the world in a way that doesn’t feel depressing, nihilistic, frustrating, or like something’s wrong with you.
You’re Not Broken, You’re Unmatched
If you’ve always felt like the odd one out, like no one really sees the real you, like you’re orbiting just outside of the circles you long to belong to… please know this: You’re not too much. You’re just not often met. The loneliness you feel isn’t proof that something’s wrong with you. It’s a signal of how rare your inner world is, and how deeply you long to be mirrored in it.
There are people who can meet you there. There are spaces, like therapy, that can hold you without shrinking you. You don’t have to carry the weight of your mind and heart alone.