Why Burnout from Trying to Fix Yourself Is So Common for Neurodivergent, High-Masking Women
The Quiet Collapse No One Talks About
You’re exhausted—but not just tired. It’s the kind of exhaustion that lives in your bones. A deep, simmering burnout that doesn’t come from doing too much in general—it comes from doing too much to appear normal. You might be the one everyone turns to. The responsible one. The high-achiever. The person who looks like they’re holding it all together. But behind the scenes? You’re likely masking. Performing. Overfunctioning. And blaming yourself for not doing it “well enough.” If you’re a neurodivergent woman—especially one diagnosed later in life—this pattern of “fixing yourself” to survive in a neurotypical world may have been your default setting for decades.
It’s time we name it for what it is: survival-based burnout, fueled by internalized perfectionism, misunderstood sensitivity, and systems that never made room for you to be who you actually are. Let’s talk about why this kind of burnout is so common—and what healing might look like.
The Hidden Burnout of High-Masking Women
If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent a lot of your life performing “good.” Good student, good daughter, good worker, good partner and so much more to everyone around you at the expense of your own attunement. My childhood trauma forced me to adapt and mold myself into what my parents and society wanted from me: a perfect girl who excelled above and beyond, had no needs, helped everyone out and did it with politeness and a smile on her face. Inside, I was beyond dysregulated and an eating disorder developed all too organically as a result of this expectation and the beauty standards placed on me from a young age.
I see so many women giving it their all at work, in their social lives, in dating, with their families, but feeling absolutely burnt out. We were taught that our needs simply weren’t important.
The reality is that many neurodivergent women, especially those with ADHD, autism, HSP traits, or giftedness—learned to mask their needs, intensity, or sensitivity in order to “fit in,” and be accepted by those around us. Masking isn’t just social—it’s emotional, energetic, existential, and survival.
You may have learned to:
Quiet your curiosity or “weirdness”
Suppress your sensitivity or strong opinions
Perform confidence in places you felt deeply unsafe
Work twice as hard to get half as much recognition
Apologize for needs that felt “too much”
Misattune to bodily needs or preferences
And over time, this external effort to pass as acceptable becomes internalized.
“If I’m not thriving, I must be the problem.”
“If I’m struggling, I just need to fix myself harder.”
Burnout doesn’t begin with laziness or a lack of resilience—it begins with internalized perfectionism, shaped by a deep longing to belong. It’s the result of living as a version of yourself crafted for others, not for you—an exhausting act of self-contortion meant to prove you’re “enough.”
Why You Keep Trying to “Fix” Yourself
If you were late-diagnosed, or never fully supported for your neurodivergence, your coping mechanisms likely became your identity. And our culture—especially for women—rewards perfectionism, productivity, and people-pleasing.
It’s no wonder you ended up feeling like the problem when:
Standard therapy didn’t help you feel seen
Self-help books made you feel worse
You kept cycling between burnout and rebound
Diet culture made you believe your body was a problem
Productivity hacks failed your neurodivergent brain
When nothing works, the inner narrative becomes:
“What’s wrong with me that I can’t get this right?”
But the truth is:
There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken. You’ve just been trying to heal in a language that was never written for your nervous system.
Understanding Neurodivergent Burnout (It’s Not Laziness)
Neurodivergent burnout is real. It’s different from general burnout, and it doesn’t respond to bubble baths and a weekend off.
It comes from:
Chronic masking (social + emotional labor)
Sensory overload (constant environmental stress)
Executive function strain (constant self-management)
High self-monitoring (watching yourself in every interaction)
Repeated invalidation (being told your struggles are not real)
And yet—because it doesn’t look like collapse (you may still be going to work, raising kids, staying “productive”)—you may not even realize you’re in it.
The “Fixing” Mentality Is Trauma-Informed (and Unconscious)
Trying to fix yourself is not just perfectionism—it’s often a trauma-informed response.
You may have internalized:
“If I perform well enough, I’ll be loved.”
“If I’m not a burden, I’ll be safe.”
“If I can figure out the right way to be, maybe I’ll finally belong.”
These beliefs don’t come out of nowhere—they’re adaptive responses to living in a world that told you your needs were inconvenient, your emotions too big, and your quirks embarrassing.
So What Does Healing from Burnout Actually Look Like?
It begins with noticing. If you are so caught up in masking for others and the suppression continues when alone, you’re missing all of the ways in which your battery is getting drained. To better attune, you must make it a living, breathing, practice to notice where you’re at emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. But be patient, as it takes time to notice any efforts.
Once you notice where you’re at, the next step is to attune to yourself. If you need less social time, actually grant that to yourself. If you recognize that you do not get enough sleep, you must prioritize solving for more sleep. It seems offensively obvious, and yet, so many of us chronically misattune for a variety of reasons.
Bring intentional curiosity to those reasons. What is truly stopping you from attuning to your own basic needs? From creating a life and making choices that would allow you to thrive? Do you feel a pressure to conform to others’ expectations of you and worry that if you don’t you’ll lose relationships? Do you compulsively rely on being busy to feel safe?
When you begin noticing what you need, slowing down, and checking in, you may start to recieve greater clarity about any discomfort you have with actually meeting your own needs. Continue to bring gentle curiosity to those parts of yourself. — See this as an experiment and gently learn how to love yourself through daily mindfulness, checking in with yourself, and experimenting with various forms of attunement to your needs. Healing from this kind of burnout isn’t just about doing less—it’s about doing everything differently.
It starts with:
Remembering to notice (building to a daily habit)
Checking in with kindness (and bringing curiosity)
Unmasking gently (not all at once)
Reframing struggle as a sign of misalignment, not failure
Letting go of internalized urgency (it’s okay to slow down)
Surrounding yourself with affirming voices—not ones that pathologize
Reclaiming self-trust after years of invalidation
Attuning to your needs here and now and practicing it regularly
This kind of healing isn’t linear. You might still feel the pull to perform. You might still over-function when you're scared. That’s okay. It’s not about never doing those things again—it’s about recognizing the pattern and offering yourself compassion when it arises.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
It can feel daunting when you’re already so burnt out to think about dismantling it all and working on building new habits. If anything in this blog resonates with you, please know:
You’re not too much.
You’re not broken.
You’ve been surviving in systems that were never built with your neurotype or nervous system in mind.
But healing is possible. Especially when it’s supported by someone who sees your whole picture—neurodivergence, sensitivity, past trauma, and all. You don’t need another “fix.” You need space to come home to yourself. You do not have to spend your days exhausted, drained, and burnt out. You CAN learn to attune to your own needs with clarifying precision and accuracy that transforms your whole life with greater harmony and balance. Your well-being is far too important to not address your burnout, and you do not have to embark on this journey alone.