How to Cope Ahead
What is Coping Ahead?
You may be seeing and hearing the word “cope” all over the internet these days or perhaps in your own therapy sessions. Coping is about emotionally managing a situation. So coping ahead is about preempting a situation and entering it with more resources in your tool belt. The most common scenario I get asked about is how to cope ahead for visiting with family since families tend to come with emotional baggage or unspoken, unhealthy, rules that the individual no longer wants to play a part in. However, individuals may find themselves wanting to cope ahead for any variety of scenarios whether a job interview, big move, breakup, or even a first date.
What do these situations have in common? Preemptive anxiety and emotional vulnerability. When a situation begets anxiety or emotional vulnerability it can feel overwhelming to move forward. Coping ahead can allow you to face the daunting scenario with more confidence in yourself, as well as to feel prepared with either rehearsed scripts of what to say, how to act, resources to utilize, a support network to lean into, and boundaries to implement if necessary.
Emotional Vulnerability and Coping Ahead
Emotional vulnerability is a feature of life. You cannot outrun it, you cannot turn the switch off. If you do, there will be consequences. Those who have decided not to feel emotionally vulnerable tend to lead lives that feel safer, but that are ultimately less fulfilling. The reality is that if we want robustly meaningful lives that actually have a sense of “aliveness” to them in the day to day, we must be willing to be vulnerable. So what are we to do when we know something is going to make us feel emotionally vulnerable?
Identify the Situation to Cope Ahead
Step One: Identify the situation. This may seem obvious but none of the other steps can happen without this one! You must first have the insight that a situation is going to be emotionally vulnerable for you. This is the #1 mistake people make; they miss the opportunity to recognize that a situation would cause them feelings of stress or fragility. You cannot attune to yourself if you are not aware of your emotional state. I repeat: YOU CANNOT ATTUNE TO YOURSELF IF YOU ARE NOT AWARE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE. Identifying what situations are likely to cause you stress or notable emotional vulnerability is essential to coping effectively with them.
Assess Potential Triggers to Cope Ahead
Step Two: Assess potential triggers. This step involves reflection in thinking about what feelings may predominantly come up for you. If you are visiting family, do you expect to be triggered by your Aunt’s political remarks? Do you anticipate not having enough privacy when you visit with a loved one? Do you predict your mother to make passive aggressive comments about your physical appearance? If you are having a sit-down with your boss, do you anticipate feeling put down and misunderstood? This is a critical step because it gives us information about how we can cope ahead. Take a moment to think about a situation in your life you’d like to cope ahead for. It could be something like going clothes shopping in person for someone who experiences body image issues. It could be confronting a neighbor about a noise issue. Anything that makes you feel nervous and maybe even want to avoid could be a good scenario to practice coping ahead for. Now reflect upon the things that may happen that make the situation feel particularly difficult. Write a list of these.
Create An Action Plan to Cope Ahead
Step Three: Create an an action plan. This is what coping ahead is really about. It’s about preemptively giving yourself the tools and resources you have a hunch you’ll need when the sticky situation happens. If you are staying with family for the holidays and worry about their dysfunction “driving you nuts,” ask yourself: what would be helpful for me in those moments? For me it’s making sure I have a bedroom with a door, my laptop, books, music, and people to talk to when it feels like too much. For some it may involve having a car as a way to get out. For others it may be planning to take walks in those moments or having the means to change their flight or train back home if need be. Brainstorm as many ideas as you can.
In other situations like a confrontation, get clear on your objective. Ask yourself: what is my intention in having this confrontation? And then anchor yourself to that objective. Your objective could be something like: to communicate my feelings clearly. Or it may be: to gain clarity and understanding about a relational impasse. I usually advise clients to select an objective that they can ensure can be met/is within their control, not something that relies on the other person to act how they want.
Sometimes it helps to put time containers on a difficult conversation and setting the expectation for how long the conversation will take place with the other person. It can also be helpful to decide on a boundary for some situations (i.e. “If my mother makes comments about my weight, and I tell her not to and she persists, I will let her know I won’t be engaging with her further until she acknowledges my request”). It can be helpful to workshop boundaries with a therapist. Don’t be afraid to utilize Google for further brainstorming ideas on how to best prepare and support yourself for a specific situation. Planning and rehearsing makes us much more likely to stick to our objectives and come out feeling better.
A Final Word on Coping Ahead
Coping ahead can feel like an abstract concept at first, but it’s also really simple: When in doubt, plan it out. For most of us we know the patterns well enough to be able to predict how we’ll do in certain situations. If you have a situation coming up that has you feeling anxious, see how you can work on coping ahead. It’s a skill like any other, so if you give it a try this time, but yield less than a desirable outcome, take away the data, modify your approach, and try again. Coping ahead is an excellent practice and skill that can ultimately transform you into a more courageous individual who can feel more equipped to tackle their wildest dreams!
As always I’m here to help; don’t be afraid to reach out!